The Strangulation of a Dream

I just found out my eligibility for financial aid for next year is most likely compromised by my incomplete courses because of surgery. Mostly likely it just means more paperwork to do to get them all happy I am not just playing hooky which is weird cause teachers don't give those out without a valid reason.

I am completely overwhelmed right now with all there is to do. Last night I sat up doing some angry ranting in my journal and crying. I've tried so hard to do well and be careful and when it all comes down to mattering I am kicked in the back by life. Recognize that feeling? ;-)

Yep I'm trying to remain positive. I make it through one day feeling pretty good and get blasted the next with more stuff to do... papers to fill out, deadlines to meet and the looming MCAT with a score that is dropping. Last night I told God I wish He would come down here so I could grab His collar and yell at Him. :D I spend a lot of time praying and meditating to find perspective. At some point I feel like its just over for me and I should stop caring... its just too much. But then I get mad and start fighting. Of course I realize how foolish I am being, I am not starving and my opportunities are by no means going to end if I don't get into medical school. I guess its hard to feel that a dream slowly being strangled to death by things outside my control.

Perhaps you have heard that women in labor go through what they call a transition phase. Its a time when they are just sure they cannot make it and cannot do it. Well, I think with this particular problem that is where I am. God has always come through for me in the past and I know it will work out... He's proven it over and over. But it doesn't stop me from being overwhelmed in this phase and at this time. Perhaps someday my halo will gleam as it sits at a rakish angle above my head and I will calmly look the prospective death of my dreams in the face and not be hurt or afraid but I'm not there yet. My halo sags unbecomingly about my ankles and its tarnished with the sweat of work and the mud of life.

Perforated Uterus - not a play on words

Hopefully no one is offended by this information but I sincerely believe that we can all learn from each others experiences and this has been mine for the last several weeks. If you are a man, perhaps your wife/girlfriend will benefit from your knowledge and if you are a woman perhaps this can help you be informed when making your own decisions. This was originally posted on a blog for potential IUD users so it isn't a story.



When this has been posted you will know where I have been the last few weeks. :)

I will try to make this as easy skim for information as possible. This is here for educational purposes and for those who have perforations and come looking for information. I had difficulty finding much useful perforation information when I was looking.

IUD of Choice: Mirena

Insertion:
Where: Planned Parenthood in NC
Cost: Free - because I agreed to allow a medical student to try first under supervision (I would want someone to do this for me when I am in that situation)
Pain During Insertion: Highly painful, nearly passed out, couldn't unclench hands or legs for several minutes, nauseated, never felt pain like that before in my life pain
Pain After Insertion: After 20 minutes left and drove to school used 800mg Ibuprofen that day and the next
No sonogram used for insertion

Other than that it my uterus would "bite" me if I stood wrong or walked wrong or sat wrong. Just a short painful cramp. Had cramping of my lower colon come to find out it was sitting against my lower bowel. Also had alternating diarrhea and slight constipation. This may be different for women who's IUD is sitting in a different place in their abdomen.

How I realized it was out of place:
Checked a week or so later and could not find the strings. Felt all around my cervix, no strings coming out or around it. Spent two days in and out of the University Women's Health Clinic, Planned Parenthood and Dr's office, lots of waiting.

Day's leading up to surgery:
1. Women's Health couldn't find strings either, didn't have sonogram so sent me back to Planned Parenthood
2. Planned Parenthood checked with sonogram couldn't find it in my uterus (used Plan B since it had been 80 hours since sex)
3. Women's Health for an x-ray to find the missing IUD - found near my hip
4. Dr's to talk about surgery and get questions answered
5. Hospital to get blood test to make sure I wasn't pregnant

Had two Ob/Gyn Dr's say that it wasn't an emergency to have it in my abdomen and since it was the Mirena it was roundy and unlikely to puncture anything else but also said there is little information out there on this happening as it doesn't happen that often. They did not give any special instructions on what to do not to do while waiting for surgery. I chose to move carefully as I didn't want it moving around my abdomen any more but that was MY choice. Dr who did insertion was very kind and apologized profusely also after much uncertainty the hospital the Dr was employed under agreed to pay for my surgery and care in connection with the IUD incident.

If I had been pregnant the Dr who inserted the IUD said they would wait until a later trimester to remove the IUD since they didn't want me under general anesthetic while in early pregnancy OR I could have a therapeutic abortion. I have been on birth control for 17 years so it was unlikely I was pregnant but just in case. Conversely surgeon stated that if I were pregnant they would still want to get it out right away and allow me to continue my pregnancy if I so chose. SO not sure which of those would have happened.

Dr said that complications for later pregnancies is highly unlikely. There should be no problem with implantation as they worry about that only with multiple D and C's and large amounts of scar tissue. Also I should not have to have a C-section but should be able to deliver vaginally but they would look at uterus while they were in surgery. I continued to have cramping in my bowel, alternating diarrhea and slight constipation. Again my days were spent waiting, waiting to hear when surgery was, waiting to hear who would pay for the surgery etc etc. It is very busy business to be sick actually and I got very little done but running to the hospital for tests and trying to figure out the details.

Pain: cramping in uterus, light bleeding, light overall abdominal pain all these were from Plan B I assume. Still have colon/rectal cramps and diarrhea/constipation

Surgery - Laparoscopy:
I was called the day before surgery and told not to eat after midnight and to drink only apple juice/water up to 3 hours before surgery. Dr suggested I could eat 8 hours before surgery since I struggle with low blood sugar levels. So I ate breakfast 7.5 hours before surgery and drank water up to three hours before surgery.

Had told me I would be kept in the hospital a day after surgery but then they decided to do it outpatient. I was glad about this, I would rather be home then laying in a hospital bed. But we packed over night items just in case. Here is what we took to surgery with us and it was helpful.

1. Contact Case/Solution
2. List of questions and things to tell each the anesthisiologist, dr and nurses
3. Loose clothing for after surgery, nothing tight around tummy and able to be sagged really low below lowest incision, also a loose t-shirt and heavy sweatshirt (it was almost summer but this was a real fortunate choice! I needed it)
4. Friend to drive
5. Lots of people who care about you

Anesthesiologist (things you may not think to ask your anesthesiologist):
- I have veneers on my front teeth do not allow a student to intubate me or use a LMA (rubber hose for airways much gentler) (answer: must intubate because organs are pushed against diaphragm and it is difficult for patient to breath)
- I don't drink or take medication very often so child Benedryl is affective (ie I am what they call a "cheap date" little to nothing and I'm out)
- Can I be put under before they start the IV? (answer: no :) )

Surgeon (things you may want to ask your own surgeon):
- Length of surgery (answer: 10 minutes - reality for me was around 1 hr 30 min)
- Risks of surgery (answer: damage to internal organs, infection, death lots of lovely things)
- Post Op expect what (answer: should be able to do sit ups in 2 days if all goes as planned - didn't happen)
- Visualize Uterus for damage? (answer: yes)
- Visualize path IUD took through intestines? (answer: can't tell but will check as much as possible for any damage)
- How many holes (answer: one through my belly button and hopefully just one by my hip)
- Can I walk up the two flights of stairs to my apartment after surgery

Arrived for my surgery 1 hr before the surgery. My sweet husband and a dear friend accompanied me.
1. Peed into a cup
2. Changed into a long cloth tie back gown, funny mesh disposable undies and thick socks with tread
3. Taken to Pre-Op chair which in the facility was a two person room with curtains between.
4. Nurse asked lots of questions and took vitals, started IV
5. Brought in my husband and friend
6. Anesthesiologist stopped by to answer questions, Surgeon stopped by, my Dr stopped by, Nurse who attended in the OR stopped by, whole parades of people came through a few forgot to tell me who they were so I had to ask...don't be afraid to ask. It's your body. Also keep your contacts in until the parade is over. I took mine out and my only recollection of my surgeon is this fuzzy blob person. :) It made me feel more out of control.
7. I become nervous and scared by this time. They took my BGL it was 71 which is fairly low or quite low depending on what scale you use.
8. They pushed 2-3 drugs into my IV - I don't know right now what they were but I would like to find out...probably Versaid and Valium...but I could be wrong.
9. Announced it was time and trundled me off
10. Everyone was in the room, OR table was shaped something like a cross (sorry not a positive connotation but the easiest way to explain). It allowed them to strap my arms up and away from my body and allowed them to get in as close to my body as possible. Very cool actually. It tips up so that my feet were above my head and my organs would fall up onto my diaphram so they would have as much room to work as possible. This is why intubation was necessary.
11. I laid on the table they began to strap me on and *ding* that's the last thing I remember

Post-Op:
Operation was 1.5 hrs much longer than anticipated. They have told me it is because I am thin and healthy and it made it more tricky to get into my abdomen...less room I guess to work in there. They had to pump me up with CO2 twice. The CO2 allows them to expand the abdomen and have more room to do the laparoscopy.

Woke up with my husband and friend there. I shivered and shook uncontrollably. This was supposedly part of coming off the general. I was very cold although they said my temp was normal. They had me drink soda - ginger ale but I can't recall it tasting like anything. I recall most of my first conversations but I was VERY sleepy. At some point they dressed me in my pajama's and sent me home with three warm blankets and my husband blasting the heat in the car. I slept most of the way home. I almost slept all the way up the stairs. It made me nauseated and I nearly threw up when I got into the apartment - but I didn't and fell asleep in bed.

Slept most of the next few days. Took Darvocet N 100 (much gentler than Percocet or Hydrocodone) and Ibuprofen 800mg every 4 hours and staggered so when I was coming down from one I had full dose of the other. The general anesthetic knocked me out pretty hard.

Tried to stop all pain meds 3 days after wards and could not. Pain was tolerable to me but was still bad enough to make me nauseated (means I didn't feel it as bad as it was in my body I guess from what they say).

Pain etc:
Lots of back aching, abdominal aching, shoulders aching.
Taut abdomen. They did not get enough of the CO2 out and it presses against the internal organs and causes referred pain. Still have it after 5 days. My abdomen is like a barrel and I generally have a flat stomach (yeh my fat goes to my hips :) )
Constipation from the anesthetic and Darvocet
- used prunes/prune juice
- lots of water
- fruit
- more water

Use a pillow to put back pressure on your incisions when coughing or moving your bowels. It is much more comfortable and provides support.

Only get stool softeners with Darvocet if recommended by Dr!!! This is different then Percocet or others I believe.

Slept on a pillow ramp partially sitting up and have had to get up every night and pee at least once.

Should have taken a walk around the apartment complex sooner then I did (day 3) it would have helped the CO2 dispurse more quickly and after pushing myself to walk I have gotten better feeling exponentially.

End of Day 4 - Pain med 2 Ibuprofen 400mg, still ache in my back and abdomen. Sleep only on my back still. Incisions still somewhat painful but stopped leaking around Day 3 or 4.

From what I read it could take 2+ weeks to get all this CO2 out of my abdomen and I believe much if not most of my pain is from this with less coming from the weird feeling of my intestines being a little "loose" and stirred around and some from the incisions themselves.

Found during surgery:
Could not find exit hole from uterus
Uterus points off to right and down so they would not recommend another IUD being placed without sonogram to watch that it is going on the correct place.

RECOMMENDATIONS:
- CHECK YOUR OWN IUD I know some Dr's recommend against it, I do not, my Dr does not. It's YOUR body and you should know what's going on not just have to "trust" the Dr (and yes I plan to be one in the near future). Learn how to check for your cervix if you don't know. Don't be afraid to ask for it to be checked by the Dr if you can't find it and then if they find it, have them show you how. They were amazed I caught it so early and it made surgery much easier because it hadn't adhered to the colon which makes it more tricky to remove.

- Have the first one placed with a sonogram. There are those few women who's uterus is pointing in strange directions and they are more at risk for perforation. I didn't know until it was too late. In my life I'm all about minimizing risk when possible and this is an easy way to minimize risk.

- My Dr agrees with this one and it was her idea: Only have an experienced provider place the IUD if you are NP. They can tell because of experience whether its puncturing the side or not.

Otherwise enjoy your new IUD!!! I will not be getting one any time soon, I have too much to do to risk anything else. I have an MCAT to take in a few weeks and all my classes are sitting at incomplete.

Beautiful and simply amazing!

I generally prefer to only post my own thoughts and findings but this is certainly amazing. More than that it is beautiful how the body works together to respond to our daily needs. It is a computer rendered scientifically sound video.


Easily Understood and Interesting Explanation of what is going on:
http://www.sciencechatforum.com/bulletin/viewtopic.php?p=24688

High Quality Video:
http://www.studiodaily.com/main/searchlist/6850.html

Harvard's Extremely Detailed Explanation of the Video:
http://multimedia.mcb.harvard.edu/media.html

Please enjoy!

Locavores

We have been eating good! It all started in Colorado. We tromped on over to Kim's house in downtown Pagosa Springs the second night we were there to bother our/my dearest friend Kim and her sweety Casey whom we hardly knew at all.

They have a tiny house on main street too near Kip's and the Baking Company to be a good spot for me. But somehow they manage to not blow EVERY penny on these two fine establishments. They have a cute porch with herbs growing on it and a gear room that is well stocked. During the course of our conversation we started talking about trying to save money, the environment and food.

We jostled book names back and forth, finding we have read many of the same ones BUT she had one I had never read AND one of the author's is from good ol' Durham, NC. Well she is in school at Duke University just up the road a piece from us. The name was, "Animal Vegetable Miracle". She even let me borrow the book. We full expected to finish it before we left but as a few of you know things didn't go as expected this trip to Colorado. So Kim, I have a confession, "urm *blush* we have the book at home and I plan to mail it back to you as soon as I am finished."

It was in this book that I met the word "locavore". Ok, ok, both you and I have heard of people who try to eat food not further than one day's drive from their home but it was just "heard" and there was no real information on how to do this yourself. This book is FULL of websites and practical information on HOW to be a localvore.

Since Charles and I are trying to live what we believe and have made some radical changes to our lifestyle in the hope of saving mucho dinaro, support our local outdoor gear stores, save our enviro from more pollution from our tailpipe, the pristine roadsides from one more (100 more) plastic bag we decided to give it a try.

Now none of the changes we have made have been anywhere near painful or even really inconvenient. But this has been the most satisfying change we have made. You see a few miles down the road, unknown to us, there is a genuine farmer's market where the actual farmers set up little tables festooned with brilliant lettuces, lucious tomatos and grubby little cucumbers. Oh no that is not all but Charles is playing a snowboard game on the xbox and distracting me.

We have a new tradition, we take $20 in cash on Wednesday afternoon and buy all the veggies we can eat in a week. Not everything is cheap but with a frugal eye sharpened by desperation a person can get plenty to feed 2 for $20. When pithy, cardboard tomatos cost $3.00/lb minimum at our local Food Dog (as Jason says) or Kroger we are getting homegrown 2nds for $1.50/lb.

Here's Dinner - chard, tomatoes, onion, cucumber, homemade bread & okra:

We sit down to dinner and lunch every day and feel ourselves transported to a palace where only the best of food is served. Let me tell you this is one sacrifice you will LOVE to make. We do drive a little further than our normal jaunt across the street but our food travelled a maximum of 70 miles plus our 20 miles makes that a max of 90 miles and tastes like it grew out our back door. Whereas what we were getting came from Mexico, South America or California and doesn't particularly taste at all.

This is a photo of our one week of loot:

Here is a link to the book's website Animal Vegetable Miracle. You can find links on how to find local food in your area as well as other ideas and information about food. I have not quite finished the book but it is the reason I am eating tomatoes that explode in my mouth with flavor and life and I tried my first fresh fig.

"Shitty First Drafts"

My first reading for my class "Writing Fiction" is titled "Shitty First Drafts". This threatens to be my most beloved and hated course. Beloved - probably I don't need to explain why...hated because I don't generally write creatively for a deadline. I write for the love of the freedom of letting the experience reign, letting my heart soar through my fingers when the inspiration strikes. But thanks to some of you here, an ex teacher and other friends I have been considering trying to get published in some form if oh so small. Hopefully this class will help me navigate the dark unknown waters of editing a short story/book.

Shitty first drafts...it explains my spiritual life as of late. How about over the whole summer. Why shitty first drafts? Because I am still in the first draft of this new experience of not "trying and working" but just being a friend of God. Shitty...for the week of great inspiration there is a month of distraction and wandering. I am finding that as soon as some great spiritual awaking happens...a new discovery, a break through for some reason I spiral feeling like a plane without wings.

Remember the great struggle not knowing if I would be in school this year? As soon as I found out it was ok I seemed to lose my drive, my connection to my source of energy and strength.

Today I read My Utmost for His Highest Aug 21 - "The Ministry of the Unnoticed" There I underlined this... "The preaching of today is apt to emphasize strength of will, beauty of character-the things that are easily noticed. The phrase we hear so often, Decide for Christ, is an emphasis on something our Lord never trusted. He never asks us to decide for Him, but to yield to Him."

That is the first thing and the only thing I lose in my spiral. The simple rest of yielding to Him then becomes the happy dance, of adding requirements and "good things" I can do to make it even BETTER, that is the death of relationship.

It feels so good at first. I have control, I can do it..I, I, I..I shift the power just ever so slightly from Him to me. Then the happy dance turns into a frenzied, angry, driven dance to keep ahead of the criticism that I have allowed to rule. It drives those around me into the same dance because I expect of them the same level of "goodness" I have set for myself.

By the time a month has passed I am tattered, looking for rest. That's when I look around expecting to find the criticism coming from Him and find His arms enfolding me craziness and all, His love and a chance to stop the crazy dance. To rest in His arms, to silence the criticism. Today I choose to rest, the first day in several months...

A Stranger's Thoughts

Last night Charles and I went to a (free) concert by a group called Craicdown. They played a cocktail of French, Scottish, Celtic, Italian traditional pieces with some of their own compositions mixed in for an extra jolt of flavor. They were an earthy and energetic group, so much so that when the guitarist lost two strings on his guitar, one was the G string, it led to a string of bad jokes that were, none-the-less, amusing.

It started outside in the square at Southern Village. Southern village is one of my favorite places to go. It is in flavor an artsy, yet ritzy, Colorado town. Prominently on the corner is Weaver Street Market, our local natural foods coop that we enjoy sharing our money with when we are able. Marching around the square are cute shops, high class wine bars and food joints with tables out front where you can enjoy the music from the square or the colorful people as they wander by in an endless parade. It is small like the tantalizing taste of gelato the pocket sized shop shares as you look at their dizzying array of temptations.

After one song the lightening began to strike and the rain sprinkled down. It was time to move to the comfort of the miniature book store that is next door neighbor to the gelato shop. It was a conspiracy between the bookstore and the gelato shop and many, cheerful to comply, wandered over tempted by the delights of the gelato store or picked up a favorite book to buy and read while the band played.

Charles and I, being shrewd did not give into the wiles of the bookstore or the gelato shop...(OK I admit, I DID look at all the books and dream but that is all). The music was fantastic and we lost ourselves in its folds as we nestled in the depths of our metal folding chairs.

The large windows displayed the lightening storm provided by nature and added to the warmth and cheerful ambiance of our gathering. It was very easy to loose oneself in the rhythm of the music and the wildness of the storm.

At 9pm it was over. The last guitar string had twanged free of its entrapment and we had all clapped and cheered heartily for the group. Charles and I stood to leave. Out of the group, dutifully switching places, like pieces in that annoying tile game, came a lady and her husband. She looked straight at me and what came out her mouth almost caused me to cup my ear to make sure I heard right and say, "What's that again?" "I so enjoyed watching you during the concert. You know, you have the most beautiful profile!" WHAT!!!?! Is this lady for real?

I have this horrid little bump on my nose that allowed the kids in grade school to call me big nose often and forever sprung me from the club of girls with cute little upturned noses. To say that made my day, is to be light. It made my year...perhaps it made my life. Of course people I know have consoled me about my nose. But to have a stranger come up and say they thought my profile was beautiful...I know she had not one drop of friend obligation. It was astounding.

And as I savor the joy that this little gift gave me. I realize that often I am too embarrassed to share my admiration of someone with them. Especially, if I don't know them. Perhaps they will call the cops and or worse think I am weird.

Or perhaps, it would make their day.

A Sr for the 3rd Time!

Well the news is in...I am a BA Chemistry Sr at NCSU!!! Yes, a Sr for the 3rd time in my life and this time I didn't even have to go through the normal 4 years to get there. *HAHA* Makes me feel so good I might go get yet a 3rd worthless degree. :D Ok not really I think 2 should suffice, it would be nice to get something useful one of these days. But the waiting is over. I was officially accepted and on Friday received my status.

Currently, I am back in school and doing physics 4 days a week. It is the second semester so I am learning about electricity, capacitors, capacitance, Gauss' Law...and well that is as far I as I have gotten. Riding the bus has worked out great. There are mostly professional people now that fuel is frightfully high. An Indian IT guy stands at the same stop every morning with me we talk about databases and computers while we wait for the bus. Its nice to have him there...so there aren't many scary people on there...well, ok there was one.

Last week some guy sat by me at the transfer station while I was reading and waiting for my bus to Raleigh. He was huffing and puffing since he just walked a good 20 feet over level pavement and wanted to sit down and have his cigerette. I said it was fine and I thought to myself being younger and more fit, I would move if it bothered me.

Just as luck would have it, on the way home that night he was there again and I chose to sit in the mid-back of the bus instead of front simply because the sun was shining warmly in on the seat and it looked inviting. He lumbered on by to the back of the bus and sort of oozed out over the seats. I guess he felt we were great buds now and started telling me all about his whole day in detail. He asked me to go for a drink. I said, "No thanks, I get to go home and see my husband." Then he said he would go home and relax and have a beer. Then he changed it and said he would have a joint and an orgasm. "Hack! Hork!" my brain was less then excited to hear that. I just tried to not give him the satisfaction of shocking me, looked as calm as I could and said, "oh, I guess that would do the job," and tried to look busy VERY BUSY! He didn't frighten me, his "aura" was more like a blow hard then a serious freak.

So that is my only creepy incident. I learned my lesson, now I sadly ignore the seductive, pretty little sunny spots in the mid-back of the bus and sit right up by the driver even if it is in the shadows. I haven't seen him since, maybe he went to work on that chicken farm he spoke of, who knows.

You know, I bought a ring to indicate my status as being married it seemed better since I am in contact with many strangers each day, not like at work where I know everyone and they know me. But I have had more guys outright interested now then I ever did. After contemplating why that could be I think it is me and not the ring. I felt the ring was security so I wasn't as timid around guys...and I believe that is the reason why.

Anyway, I have more to say but I want popcorn for dinner so I should get going and help make it. Also, the sky is a very strange yellow green and we are under a tornado watch. Generally, that isn't a good sign. :)