Hey I GOT A VERY SOLID A (94%) on my Chemistry test! WOOOHOOO! I cannot help but dance around with happiness!!! Actually several positive things happened today. (Thanks for your happy things wish Walter!)
One of COURSE was the Chem test!
The second was I was able to understand some of the troubles that were dogging my Phyiscs experience. That is the beauty of working through some of these problems with my good Friend. He helps peel back the layers and exposes things at times when I am ready to deal with them.
There is some history missing for some of you on that last post so I will try to sum it up quickly there has been some extreme incongruity between my knowledge in Physics and the grade on the tests I am getting.
One is that the tutors I have been seeing have been telling me I know the material and don't need tutors.
Two is that I have tutored quite a few other people in my class and help them come to a better understanding which means I have a good grasp on the material.
Three is that there is another girl in my class who has a good understanding of the material and is getting low test scores just like I have.
I knew all this and my tests still depressed me...it is that dragon...pushing me...my best was not enough. I could know it but if I got a C or D on the test I was not good enough.
With all that information and some recent experience unofficially tutoring my Chemistry classmates (and taking note of the fundamental reasons they were having trouble) I was able to quantify some things I have been struggling with in Physics.
CONFIDENCE: I have noticed after my tests my confidence in my abilities is at rock bottom and I cannot do the simplest problems in the homework. So part of my problem is a severe lack of confidence in my knowledge. When I can sit down and explain a problem that has stumped me to the tutor the first time I try...it tells me I lack confidence because the tutor gives me confidence that she will correct me if I am wrong and I am not often wrong.
KNOWING WHAT TO FILTER: Often teachers get excited and they give WAY more in-depth information that I need to know. Part of the process of learning is blocking the extraneous confusing info and getting the useful information. All that extra information was confusing me when I look at the problems.
SIMPLIFY MY APPROACH: Often I allow my brain to wonder, "well man that looks complicated...maybe I need to worry about this or that...how would I do that" when we haven't been taught about those things. Instead I should be taking the tools I have been given and assuming the problem can be solved easily with the tools I have and then applying them. I make the questions complicated and confuse myself.
Today I sat down and did all the Physics homework with only minor help and it all made sense and was easy just as it should be.
YEY! Thanks be to God...there is HOPE! My heart is lighter today than it has been in a very long time.
Thursday, October 11, 2007
Monday, October 8, 2007
What I Love Destroys Me
This post has been awhile in the making a lifetime actually. No, it didn't take me that long to write but it has taken me that long to experience.
It started when I was born. But my first run in with my love was in 5th grade. "How romantic", some may say. And others scoff knowingly and remind me, "you did not know Charles in 5th grade!" Ahh you are right. But often our deepest love affairs are with what is lurking inside. But you are getting me ahead of myself.
It was a bright sunny Upper Michigan day and I sat at my desk doing my homework. My permed hair carefully curled to impress and my big pink glasses perched on my nose. It is hard to say what happened, I don't even really know the details I just know the outcome. I made a mistake. If I remember right I made a mistake in my homework and got something wrong. And you know I got corrected, privately and kindly. But you see, this little girl with pink glasses was decent kid and she didn't get into much trouble in fact very little and she could not accept that fact that she had made a mistake.
Later, Mrs Edsell, talked with my mom and said this, "Heather doesn't make many mistakes, she always gets A's. She has always been a good child and has never had to face up to the fact that she is fallible." And I was given a peek at the little dragon that nested in my heart. But being a good kid and getting A's is never something to draw much bad attention to a person so I covered the little dragon and put it to bed. Every A I got, every praise, every accolade was food to this cute little dragon.
So the little girl in pink glasses grew. I got rid of the nerdy glasses and got contacts. I changed schools, changed houses and changed friends. Yet the little dragon stayed with me never far from my heart.
I graduated college and got a job. Jobs as a general rule have a lot of food for dragons of this sort. And this job was no exception to that rule. In fact, the food for my little dragon was so nourishing that it grew silently and swiftly without my taking note. You see by that time I had a severe fondness, perhaps love for this sweet little dragon that brought me joy.
Slowly, I found my joy was leaving, sucked out. My frustration, temper and anger grew into replace the peace and quiet in my soul. Burnout. Never a depressed person I faced bouts of depression. And I kept feeding the dragon. Charles would ask me to come home on time so we could spend time together and I chose to work late feeding my dragon. I didn't feel I chose, things just happened and came up but I did choose and I kept mothering that dragon.
So the girl grew more and things changed. I changed houses and lives; I have a dream, a dream I believe was given me by God. I started school again. My back and neck still ached, my temper was one thread from releasing and I had very little peace.
You see I believes a person can do anything they set their mind to doing. And if I am not succeeding it is because there is something wrong with me that I must change. Well school delt me some rough cards. But I picked them up, betted and played knowing I was already in trouble. But I kept playing because if I try hard enough and pray enough I can win.
Well that brings us up to the last few weeks. Anger with God was mounting. I should be getting A's or B's to get into graduate school and the harder I played and more devoted I became to my studies the worse I did. God did not pick up the slack and make it all better. I became angry at Him. He gave me this dream what is His deal? I became angry with myself because I was not good enough. I began to feel the pain of failure. That dragon went into a rage. It drove me to ignore all else but this one class. I was giving all I had, and it wasn't enough, yet the unseen dragon drove me forward. The dragon unwittingly drove me to my knees.
It was on my knees I found the answer. A small voice over the roar of the dragon exposed to me what life would be at the mercy of the dragon. Perhaps you can come to the same conclusions yourself if I ask you..."If this girl is self-hating because of a couple failures (to her a failure is a C) on her test, what will happen when a patient dies and she has done everything she can?" "Or even worse what if someone is harmed or dies because of her mistake?" These are the questions plied to my mind as I sat broken in a corner of a building drowning in a pool of self recrimination. The dragon still unnoticed drove me into a fury at the little voice. "WHY didn't You help me, God?". And then, God comes down and hugs the trembling little girl in the pink glasses and while she listens for His answer He says, "You have to learn this and it is not so painful now as it could be in the future."
It isn't over. You see I find myself falling at the feet of my Friend every morning begging for freedom from the dragon. The dragon that will destroy me. I failed again on a test last week, a D this time. It left me again, a heap of tears. I called my mom and Mom talked me through my self destructive voice of hate the insidiously reminds me I am not good enough and must be stupid. Mom guides her to a forgotten story of the little girl in pink glasses who could not fail. And then as I quietly wait again with tenderness God pulls the scales from my eyes and the dragon, poised and ready to take all from me is unveiled again. This time I am not angry. I am thankful. Thankful that God has chosen to reveal this to me now.
Does that mean I won't be a Dr? No, it doesn't. I have dropped the class to audit status to protect my GPA and I will have the privilege of learning without the pressure. In reality, this fight with my love, the dragon of my life, has just begun. And every day I try to choose to sacrifice my drive for perfection. I am sometimes afraid to destroy the dragon because I am afraid that I will lose something. I fear that I will be less than I could be. But that is a lie! The problem with my dragon is that "my best" is never good enough. It takes and takes and the more I pour in the more it demands. So as you see I will really be gaining a lot and losing very little. But the fight isn't over for me. The dragon has been with me a long time and it will take time and prayer to remove my pet from my life.
It started when I was born. But my first run in with my love was in 5th grade. "How romantic", some may say. And others scoff knowingly and remind me, "you did not know Charles in 5th grade!" Ahh you are right. But often our deepest love affairs are with what is lurking inside. But you are getting me ahead of myself.
It was a bright sunny Upper Michigan day and I sat at my desk doing my homework. My permed hair carefully curled to impress and my big pink glasses perched on my nose. It is hard to say what happened, I don't even really know the details I just know the outcome. I made a mistake. If I remember right I made a mistake in my homework and got something wrong. And you know I got corrected, privately and kindly. But you see, this little girl with pink glasses was decent kid and she didn't get into much trouble in fact very little and she could not accept that fact that she had made a mistake.
Later, Mrs Edsell, talked with my mom and said this, "Heather doesn't make many mistakes, she always gets A's. She has always been a good child and has never had to face up to the fact that she is fallible." And I was given a peek at the little dragon that nested in my heart. But being a good kid and getting A's is never something to draw much bad attention to a person so I covered the little dragon and put it to bed. Every A I got, every praise, every accolade was food to this cute little dragon.
So the little girl in pink glasses grew. I got rid of the nerdy glasses and got contacts. I changed schools, changed houses and changed friends. Yet the little dragon stayed with me never far from my heart.
I graduated college and got a job. Jobs as a general rule have a lot of food for dragons of this sort. And this job was no exception to that rule. In fact, the food for my little dragon was so nourishing that it grew silently and swiftly without my taking note. You see by that time I had a severe fondness, perhaps love for this sweet little dragon that brought me joy.
Slowly, I found my joy was leaving, sucked out. My frustration, temper and anger grew into replace the peace and quiet in my soul. Burnout. Never a depressed person I faced bouts of depression. And I kept feeding the dragon. Charles would ask me to come home on time so we could spend time together and I chose to work late feeding my dragon. I didn't feel I chose, things just happened and came up but I did choose and I kept mothering that dragon.
So the girl grew more and things changed. I changed houses and lives; I have a dream, a dream I believe was given me by God. I started school again. My back and neck still ached, my temper was one thread from releasing and I had very little peace.
You see I believes a person can do anything they set their mind to doing. And if I am not succeeding it is because there is something wrong with me that I must change. Well school delt me some rough cards. But I picked them up, betted and played knowing I was already in trouble. But I kept playing because if I try hard enough and pray enough I can win.
Well that brings us up to the last few weeks. Anger with God was mounting. I should be getting A's or B's to get into graduate school and the harder I played and more devoted I became to my studies the worse I did. God did not pick up the slack and make it all better. I became angry at Him. He gave me this dream what is His deal? I became angry with myself because I was not good enough. I began to feel the pain of failure. That dragon went into a rage. It drove me to ignore all else but this one class. I was giving all I had, and it wasn't enough, yet the unseen dragon drove me forward. The dragon unwittingly drove me to my knees.
It was on my knees I found the answer. A small voice over the roar of the dragon exposed to me what life would be at the mercy of the dragon. Perhaps you can come to the same conclusions yourself if I ask you..."If this girl is self-hating because of a couple failures (to her a failure is a C) on her test, what will happen when a patient dies and she has done everything she can?" "Or even worse what if someone is harmed or dies because of her mistake?" These are the questions plied to my mind as I sat broken in a corner of a building drowning in a pool of self recrimination. The dragon still unnoticed drove me into a fury at the little voice. "WHY didn't You help me, God?". And then, God comes down and hugs the trembling little girl in the pink glasses and while she listens for His answer He says, "You have to learn this and it is not so painful now as it could be in the future."
It isn't over. You see I find myself falling at the feet of my Friend every morning begging for freedom from the dragon. The dragon that will destroy me. I failed again on a test last week, a D this time. It left me again, a heap of tears. I called my mom and Mom talked me through my self destructive voice of hate the insidiously reminds me I am not good enough and must be stupid. Mom guides her to a forgotten story of the little girl in pink glasses who could not fail. And then as I quietly wait again with tenderness God pulls the scales from my eyes and the dragon, poised and ready to take all from me is unveiled again. This time I am not angry. I am thankful. Thankful that God has chosen to reveal this to me now.
Does that mean I won't be a Dr? No, it doesn't. I have dropped the class to audit status to protect my GPA and I will have the privilege of learning without the pressure. In reality, this fight with my love, the dragon of my life, has just begun. And every day I try to choose to sacrifice my drive for perfection. I am sometimes afraid to destroy the dragon because I am afraid that I will lose something. I fear that I will be less than I could be. But that is a lie! The problem with my dragon is that "my best" is never good enough. It takes and takes and the more I pour in the more it demands. So as you see I will really be gaining a lot and losing very little. But the fight isn't over for me. The dragon has been with me a long time and it will take time and prayer to remove my pet from my life.
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