Drawing the Line

So some of you may recall the blog about my fight with my pet dragon. And not at all shocking is that one fight doesn't end all. I coddled that dragon long enough that it will probably be something I fight with my whole life. But each blow will weaken the power it has over my life and my decisions.

The end of last semester I was invited to be a supplemental instructor for the general chemistry by tutorial center. For a variety of reasons I said yes, money not being one of them since they pay an astounding 7.50/hr. For two reasons really...I immensely enjoy helping other people discover and learn and because it will help keep my gen chem skills sharp for taking the MCAT. So I added on another hour of school to take a tutoring course that they require and set about to do my job well.

"And set about to do my job well"...this is a job that I found quickly ate up a majority of my study time. But being hard headed I kept at it as my own school work suffered. I wanted to be good at what I did and I had 15-70 kids to help 3 hours a week. My experience with leading larger groups of people that I didn't know was zero so my confidence was pretty low. So I made some mistakes and learned and grew dramatically. And my school work suffered.

I'd get up at 6am, leave by 7:00am spend the whole day running from class to class, run an SI session until 5:30, answer some questions and after riding the bus and driving be home by 7:30pm only to do some bare minimum homework until 11pm and fall into bed emotionally and mentally exhausted but my body pulsing with tension. Waking up at 6am my body still tense and my mind still tired. I started to feel trapped, desperate, angry and depressed.

A week or two before test time I began to see reality for what it was. I could conceivably throw away a dream simply to try and succeed spectacularly at a part time job. Yep I am foolish but really it doesn't seem so foolish when you just don't have time to even think about it. And really when I am busy, really busy, I tend to take very little time to ponder about what is going on in that gray fluffy stuff I call a brain. When I am busy I tend to live in a tension filled rushed world with my mind buzzing from one task to the next, no time for the calming influence of God's voice and our peaceful conversations and His insight into my life. I had no peace.

So I had a choice, to keep going like a crazy woman and gripe because of what was happening or to adapt. I could quit the job, or I could adapt my study skills and limit the amount of time I gave to the job and not allow it to feed my dragon.

For awhile I did do a bit of griping about how it had all turned out. But Thank God He quickly helped me realize that griping was not going to help in fact it would make me feel like I was doing something while the whole while (as I told my friend Justin) allowing me to sit in the middle of life's road. I would only sit griping for a short amount of time before the speeding compact cards of life (little things such as a missing out studying for tests, a lack of peace) would come run me over, drag me down the road and leave me bloody in the ditch...if I was lucky I would make it to the ditch. Too often I have spent my life being run over time and time again only to sit up and gripe about life's tough breaks just to be hit again. When the answer..."pick your bloody carcass off the road and get into a car and start moving" was staring me in the face.

He reminded me that busy'ness for me was a way to escape reality. I don't have to think, I don't have to face reality, I don't have to worry, my life just goes and I fly along with it. And best of all it is another one of those socially accepted and praised attributes. But I have found when I don't have time for Him He can't guide me, He can't give me a new perspective, quite honestly I am out of His reach. A place I don't want to be. It is only in His tender care that I have found serious true peace. Peace that can only come when I exist in the moment, not worrying about this and that and I trust that He will give me the wisdom and strength to deal with each moment as they happen.

So I am learning. I have a C on my quantitative chemistry test to remind me of my slowness to respond and thank God an A on my Physics test because I listened to God's voice in my heart inviting me to slow down, take stock and adapt...stop fighting mindlessly and starting living with His wisdom.

Physics Love

I thought I should let you guys know that I am enjoying physics this semester. A token of how much I am enjoying it is a 98% on my first test. New teacher... as well as some lessons learned...big difference!