I guess I will share my current understanding of why for my pain. We had a discussion group this Sabbath on the Dali Lama but it ended in a discussion of pain. It was odd one of the guy's asked the same questions I asked in my last blog. It was almost verbatim. Weird.
Charles and I talked about it on the way home. And after two years of mulling it over I have come to one reason why I need No in my life. But first I will share what other people said yesterday in our discussion group.
Just so you understand this discussion group is made up of people who go to our church but there is a good mix of SDA and non-SDA people there. Many of the non-SDA used to be SDA and have a lot of pain in their history; abuse from a "holier than thou" congregation that destroyed itself from the inside out. We meet in a friend's coffee shop.
One fellow suggested that the older he has gotten the more he has realized that he doesn't have to know all the reasons why. He doesn't have to have all answers like he used to. Another broke it with...the fact that he believes God is not only omnipotent, omnipresent etc etc but all wise and so he isn't always going to understand.
A girl on the couch popped in with the reason she finds for her own pain is that she doesn't seem to grow without it. God can't have us as little babies spoonfeeding us for the rest of our lives. Pain matures us and pushes us to get rid of tradition, to solidify our beliefs and to get to know God.
These answers are all a part of the why of pain but the maturing ability of pain/No's is what resonated more with me at this time of my life. I ask God to help me to get closer to Him and trust Him more. And the only way my heart seems to learn to trust Him more is to be put in situations where I cannot fix it and I must trust Him as a Friend to carry me through emotionally.
I am an independent sort of person and I have an obstinate "can-do" personality that often will motor on through tough times, using my brain to figure out a way to get through, to meet the goal. Not that this is a sin always...unless it gets in the way of my relationship to my Friend. And it does at times. When something like what happened this week happens to me my first thought is all the alternatives and I rush around trying to fix it. The whole time filled with frustration, angst and frayed nerves. It is only when He has pulled that very last rug (idea) out from underneath me do I give up.
Thankfully, it is coming quicker since I first started to learn to rest on His wisdom. When I have given up on hope from myself I often find my brain is clearer and ideas I hadn't consider pop in but sometimes I just have to wait and turn to Him each time that frustration shows back up.
So why pain and No's in my life. Currently I feel it is because I don't seem to learn to trust Him any other way. And I am finding that God seems to have an agenda. That agenda is to become a trusted best Friend of mine and my agenda is to be happy and unruffled. They collide! But I see that His agenda is for my better good; I have submitted my agenda to Him by asking Him to help me grow.
I am slowly coming to understand that He is there crying with me, willing to give me the strength to get through my disappointments and comfort me. But He doesn't rescue me because it is not for my best good. I find Him like Kim's description Like a Father Blog He is tangibly right there comforting me never leaving me alone. He may not say YES and but like my dear friend C said, "He will never leave me in a ditch alone."
Monday, April 28, 2008
Saturday, April 26, 2008
When God says No!
So what are your thoughts on when God says No. No, I won't dramatically intervene so your life can be easier (ie my situation). No, I won't work a miracle so children are not raped or killed by their parents. No, I won't fix the crisis in Darfur and thousands of people die. No, I won't keep your mother/father/brother/sister from dying. Obviously to even begin to answer the question you must believe there is a God. Which I do and some of you do too.
In the Old Testament God says to the Children of Israel...you follow me and I will bless you, you will lack for nothing, lions will starve but you will eat. If we, as Christians, are modern "descendants" of Abraham does this apply to us?
Have you heard of the prosperity gospel? It is VERY popular right now. "Claim God's promises and they will be yours". I had a boss and co-workers who took this to heart. One who was dying of breast cancer went to a faith healer and believed she would be healed if she had enough faith. I mentioned to her adult daughter that there was some new stuff out that might help her mom. The daughter said to me, "we have faith she will be healed. We can't even think of that stuff."...it says if you have faith size of a mustard seed you can move a mountain. My boss's business was heading down hill because of the recession. He held prayer lunches and prayed around his office to bring in God's Spirit to prosper his business. Did it work?
Here are some Bible texts:
* (Deuteronomy 8:18) "But you shall remember the LORD your God, for it is He who is giving you power to make wealth, that He may confirm His covenant which He swore to your fathers, as it is this day" (New American Standard Bible)
* (Malachi 3:10) "'Bring the whole tithe into the storehouse, so that there may be food in My house, and test Me now in this,' says the LORD of hosts, 'if I will not open for you the windows of heaven and pour out for you a blessing until it overflows.'" (New American Standard Bible)
* (John 10:10) "The thief cometh not, but for to steal, and to kill, and to destroy: I am come that they might have life, and that they might have it more abundantly." (King James Version)
What about the prayer of Jabez?
The idea of the prosperity gospel was a little extreme for the my SDA palate but deep inside myself I found that I have held the same beliefs just tweaked for my own preference. Why aren't my problems fixed if I pray? This was exposed to me by how I reacted when God did say No to my prayers, desperate prayers that really needed a Yes. It may be something taught to us from childhood...you hear the story of the kid the prays and the car starts when it wouldn't before. You don't hear the story of my close friend who prayed when he was a kid and the car did not start.
This is something I have been thinking through for 2 years. Not because my life is dramatic but because of some honest questions from my honest hurt friends, because I am finding myself closer to Him and that requires some of these questions to be settled and because of the death of a friend.
In the Old Testament God says to the Children of Israel...you follow me and I will bless you, you will lack for nothing, lions will starve but you will eat. If we, as Christians, are modern "descendants" of Abraham does this apply to us?
Have you heard of the prosperity gospel? It is VERY popular right now. "Claim God's promises and they will be yours". I had a boss and co-workers who took this to heart. One who was dying of breast cancer went to a faith healer and believed she would be healed if she had enough faith. I mentioned to her adult daughter that there was some new stuff out that might help her mom. The daughter said to me, "we have faith she will be healed. We can't even think of that stuff."...it says if you have faith size of a mustard seed you can move a mountain. My boss's business was heading down hill because of the recession. He held prayer lunches and prayed around his office to bring in God's Spirit to prosper his business. Did it work?
Here are some Bible texts:
* (Deuteronomy 8:18) "But you shall remember the LORD your God, for it is He who is giving you power to make wealth, that He may confirm His covenant which He swore to your fathers, as it is this day" (New American Standard Bible)
* (Malachi 3:10) "'Bring the whole tithe into the storehouse, so that there may be food in My house, and test Me now in this,' says the LORD of hosts, 'if I will not open for you the windows of heaven and pour out for you a blessing until it overflows.'" (New American Standard Bible)
* (John 10:10) "The thief cometh not, but for to steal, and to kill, and to destroy: I am come that they might have life, and that they might have it more abundantly." (King James Version)
What about the prayer of Jabez?
The idea of the prosperity gospel was a little extreme for the my SDA palate but deep inside myself I found that I have held the same beliefs just tweaked for my own preference. Why aren't my problems fixed if I pray? This was exposed to me by how I reacted when God did say No to my prayers, desperate prayers that really needed a Yes. It may be something taught to us from childhood...you hear the story of the kid the prays and the car starts when it wouldn't before. You don't hear the story of my close friend who prayed when he was a kid and the car did not start.
This is something I have been thinking through for 2 years. Not because my life is dramatic but because of some honest questions from my honest hurt friends, because I am finding myself closer to Him and that requires some of these questions to be settled and because of the death of a friend.
Friday, April 25, 2008
Is this how a dream dies?
So this has been a week for the records. By the way, we haven't found a car to replace Blueberry so we are a one car family which is difficult when Charles' school is 12 miles N and mine 15 miles S and we are in school the same days. :) But there could be a good reason for not finding a car yet.
Sometime around Monday I applied for my loan for this semester. So far there have been no problems so I didn't think too much about it. I waited until we really needed the money to pay rent, bills and summer tuition before applying. Why not, there hadn't been any problems and it keeps us from being tempted to waste money.
Why not became apparent when they (being the application with instant decision) flatly refused to give me a loan for the summer. No one at the company could tell me why. My credit is still great...but they insisted it was probably my credit. I get a little impatient...I just checked my credit and it is excellent what is the deal? No one can seem to figure it out...just wait for the letter they say.
So I go to school and head to financial aid to see what they might say. "Sorry, so sorry, go apply to get into a degree program and then we can help you. With the housing market private loans are just tightening up." So I trudge around to registration and records and ask about applying. "Sorry, so sorry, the deadline for fall '08 registration has passed. You are too late." WHAT?!?!! The shock I am in keeps me from desintegrating right there in their office. I walk out with my eyes fixed into a distant stare. Is this for real? Is this how dreams die?
Yes, I can apply for Spring 2009 but what do I do until then? I have a class to attend my class I am a supplemental instructor for Chemistry 101. I wander in and hazily sit down. Near the end I decide to ask the professor I work with to keep his ears open for any jobs or anything that might help but he is mobbed with around 50 kids trying to get past tests. I wander away.
In the hall I call Mom. I know that this is my time to decide to trust God and to let it go, it is something I struggle with...trusting like a child and letting go. I want to but yet I don't. Mom and I talk. She is curious to see what God will do, what's the next thing He has in mind. I am not ready for that I am just upset. Also, I can ask Him to take it but underneath my body is clenched, I am one fried nerve away from meltdown.
From that point I am too busy to think. I have supplemental instruction, SI, to do for 1 hour and then I get a ride home with Charles. After SI a student needs extra help so I help him. We get home around 7pm.
After finishing my list of homework for the night, I write an email to my professor that I work with for SI asking him to keep his ears open for a job or anything, I read a little and fall into bed. I just can't deal with it. I can't change how I feel. I can't make myself trust. Sadly, I cry out to God...I just can't do it! I fall asleep.
The next morning I wake up. Oddly, this morning I find myself curious what is next. I haven't done anything but my attitude has changed. I humbly thank God for the change.
Wouldn't it be great if I just stayed changed, my attitude uplifted? Yes it would but that isn't how it goes. When I catch myself worrying, I turn to God and ask Him to take it again. Thankfully, from my experience He doesn't ask me to fix my weakness forever I have found He simply asks that at the moment I give it up to Him. This happens A LOT! I give up my stress, worry and frustration and 15 minutes, 1 minute, 15 seconds later its back again. Once again I give it up to my Friend and turn my attention to what I need to be doing.
Maybe someday I will be completely trusting and not struggle so hard. But for now I struggle not knowing the future and continually giving up my pride and control. Asking for His strength to accept what the future might hold.
Sometime around Monday I applied for my loan for this semester. So far there have been no problems so I didn't think too much about it. I waited until we really needed the money to pay rent, bills and summer tuition before applying. Why not, there hadn't been any problems and it keeps us from being tempted to waste money.
Why not became apparent when they (being the application with instant decision) flatly refused to give me a loan for the summer. No one at the company could tell me why. My credit is still great...but they insisted it was probably my credit. I get a little impatient...I just checked my credit and it is excellent what is the deal? No one can seem to figure it out...just wait for the letter they say.
So I go to school and head to financial aid to see what they might say. "Sorry, so sorry, go apply to get into a degree program and then we can help you. With the housing market private loans are just tightening up." So I trudge around to registration and records and ask about applying. "Sorry, so sorry, the deadline for fall '08 registration has passed. You are too late." WHAT?!?!! The shock I am in keeps me from desintegrating right there in their office. I walk out with my eyes fixed into a distant stare. Is this for real? Is this how dreams die?
Yes, I can apply for Spring 2009 but what do I do until then? I have a class to attend my class I am a supplemental instructor for Chemistry 101. I wander in and hazily sit down. Near the end I decide to ask the professor I work with to keep his ears open for any jobs or anything that might help but he is mobbed with around 50 kids trying to get past tests. I wander away.
In the hall I call Mom. I know that this is my time to decide to trust God and to let it go, it is something I struggle with...trusting like a child and letting go. I want to but yet I don't. Mom and I talk. She is curious to see what God will do, what's the next thing He has in mind. I am not ready for that I am just upset. Also, I can ask Him to take it but underneath my body is clenched, I am one fried nerve away from meltdown.
From that point I am too busy to think. I have supplemental instruction, SI, to do for 1 hour and then I get a ride home with Charles. After SI a student needs extra help so I help him. We get home around 7pm.
After finishing my list of homework for the night, I write an email to my professor that I work with for SI asking him to keep his ears open for a job or anything, I read a little and fall into bed. I just can't deal with it. I can't change how I feel. I can't make myself trust. Sadly, I cry out to God...I just can't do it! I fall asleep.
The next morning I wake up. Oddly, this morning I find myself curious what is next. I haven't done anything but my attitude has changed. I humbly thank God for the change.
Wouldn't it be great if I just stayed changed, my attitude uplifted? Yes it would but that isn't how it goes. When I catch myself worrying, I turn to God and ask Him to take it again. Thankfully, from my experience He doesn't ask me to fix my weakness forever I have found He simply asks that at the moment I give it up to Him. This happens A LOT! I give up my stress, worry and frustration and 15 minutes, 1 minute, 15 seconds later its back again. Once again I give it up to my Friend and turn my attention to what I need to be doing.
Maybe someday I will be completely trusting and not struggle so hard. But for now I struggle not knowing the future and continually giving up my pride and control. Asking for His strength to accept what the future might hold.
Wednesday, April 2, 2008
Scene II: Blueberry Hauled Away
The accident has been a bit of trouble. The insurance decided to fix Blueberry and then pretty much exactly a month to the day they changed their mind and decided to total Blueberry. It was at that time the rental car agreement with the insurance ran out as well. So that left us in a bit of a fix...no Blueberry, 3 days of rental to find another car. :-) No, we haven’t found another car and the rental went back last night.
We decided to try to sell Blueberry on Craigslist to see if we could raise a little money for our next car since we got a measly pittance from insurance because it was salvage. The process ended up being frustrating and complicated because I left the title in some box somewhere in Coloraodo. And to make a long, frustrating and boring story short. We sold Blueberry as of today. We met the guy at the body shop at 7:30am this morning and he hauled Blueberry away.
I really did fine until they started the motor to drive it onto the trailer. Something about the sound of the diesel engine purring got to me. I started to cry...not bawling shooting tears crying but tears that welled up and threated to spill over cry. Since we were with the buyer still I choked it down but I expect I will have a good bawl over my pain-in-the-neck, but beloved first car.
We decided to try to sell Blueberry on Craigslist to see if we could raise a little money for our next car since we got a measly pittance from insurance because it was salvage. The process ended up being frustrating and complicated because I left the title in some box somewhere in Coloraodo. And to make a long, frustrating and boring story short. We sold Blueberry as of today. We met the guy at the body shop at 7:30am this morning and he hauled Blueberry away.
I really did fine until they started the motor to drive it onto the trailer. Something about the sound of the diesel engine purring got to me. I started to cry...not bawling shooting tears crying but tears that welled up and threated to spill over cry. Since we were with the buyer still I choked it down but I expect I will have a good bawl over my pain-in-the-neck, but beloved first car.
Bye Bye Blueberry
So yeh...Blueberry and I had an accident the other day. We left for the weekend and I couldn't get onto the internet with my computer so couldn't give any updates. Also there is still some investigation into the accident going on by the insurance company (of course) so I will not give any long detailed explanation. We figured Blueberry was totaled but come to find out she is not. So she has an appointment at the plastic surgeons for the 18th of March and I will be driving a pretty dark gray Mazda 3 rental car until Blueberry comes back looking new. It is my very first (personal) rental car. Yes, I have had rental cars rented for me by Parelli but never one of my own. Interesting.
Whilst Blueberry looks new we will be selling her to the highest bidder. Charles is ready for a Honda or something that is reliable to a fault and I don't blame him.
I am embarrassed to admit that it tears at my heart hard to lose my first car and the car that represents who I am for something less defining. Yet it is an object, a thing and it is my own attachment that is causing this pain. I REALLY would like to be less attached to "things" and more attached to people, experiences and be free to follow my God where He leads even if it requires giving things up. So perhaps on that level it is a blessing in disguise.
If you ask Charles it is simply a good thing on ALL levels. ;-) And since I haven't had to fight over her little personality quirks like he has I can't deny that. :D hehe
And why am I sweaty...I got very sick on Monday night...threw up for the first time in 15 years. HORRIBLE and I am enjoying a fever. YEY! :D Glad it's spring break for me.
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