So Good

Its amazing what a little sleep; sympathetic friends; some time alone with my Friend, my thoughts and taking a day off will do for perspective. Not to say I won't feel crazy again but life is too short to be all pent up all the time. :) I probably should write about more than my considerable frustration on here though. I was the person who disliked blogs that were filled with mostly angst. Like venom spread to infect the world that read it.

Charles packed more of the apartment yesterday and then he went out to look at apartments in Raleigh. We now have 4 possibilities but we cannot know which ones are real possibilities until we know what we will be getting for financial aid.

No one at Financial Aid seems to believe we lived on the amount of money that we did and we that we aren't amazingly unhappy or starving or being secretly supported by a anonymous and glamorous donor of the college underground. So we have had to send in all sorts of supporting paperwork to support our claim of being excessively poor. :D I'd like to see anyone try to put two people through college on 4 hours of work a week at $10/hr and living off what's left of one person's student loan after paying books and courses and not be pretty poor! :) hehehe!

We're doing what we have to, to follow the path we have chosen or feel is what is right and to explore the recesses of our dreams. And as depressed and frustrated as I have been the last week I'd rather deal with that then sit huddled in a corner afraid to explore and try new things out of fear.

I know and knew that perhaps I didn't come here to become a Dr, I didn't even want to be a Dr in the beginning that maybe I'm here to find another path... perhaps a Chemist or a Nurse Practitioner or who knows? I know that I will be happier not forcing things my way. It is my lack of knowledge of how to really let things go and be what they will be that causes me this frustration. I wish I could meet one person who has this totally figured out. That could tell me how they REALLY give up stuff the first time and forever and don't find themselves desperately clawing to get it back when it seems to slip further and further away. And unlike some, I learn by falling down, hitting the bottom hard, realizing I don't have ultimate control and letting go. Sometimes, in the case of this week a couple times in a week. :D

I have said this before but I share these times to unmask the struggles of a Christian. I struggle. In the end I choose to trust God but it is a fight and I passionately fight, cry and finally let go. But the good news is that I have seen the days that it takes me to release the pain and struggle to Him shorten.

Back when we first moved to CO and Dad, Charles, Todd and I started a construction company things were very, very tough. We were often being underbid by people who had no insurance and did poor quality of work. They were getting the jobs not us. I believe I spent a week or more upset and fuming at God about it. (Yes, the question is why blame God? I know the arguements but it happens to the best of us.) Unlike that time, this week it was a day of struggle I guess all hope is not lost. I'm learning unfortunately this one takes some doing to learn and I probably will never have it all figured out.

Last summer about this time I realized that life is the most profound teacher a person can have. I can either learn or flight the same battles over and over. I believe God helps me to come out a better person on the other side and gives me perspective other's believe it is something else. But my point is that I think we all struggle with the same things in the end letting it go and trusting that we will be made more compassionate and more beautiful in the end.

I would like to acknowledge the people that shared their sympathy already on my last blog and that I KNOW are struggling with things more difficult than my own. Your empathy and patience with my ramblings put me to shame thank you for caring.

So I'm off to enjoy the day. To breath in green woods, to feel the grit shift as I walk down a path, to laugh with Charles, to revel free of the burden that pressed my heart and to rest knowing that the future is not my responsibility.