I just found out my eligibility for financial aid for next year is most likely compromised by my incomplete courses because of surgery. Mostly likely it just means more paperwork to do to get them all happy I am not just playing hooky which is weird cause teachers don't give those out without a valid reason.
I am completely overwhelmed right now with all there is to do. Last night I sat up doing some angry ranting in my journal and crying. I've tried so hard to do well and be careful and when it all comes down to mattering I am kicked in the back by life. Recognize that feeling? ;-)
Yep I'm trying to remain positive. I make it through one day feeling pretty good and get blasted the next with more stuff to do... papers to fill out, deadlines to meet and the looming MCAT with a score that is dropping. Last night I told God I wish He would come down here so I could grab His collar and yell at Him. :D I spend a lot of time praying and meditating to find perspective. At some point I feel like its just over for me and I should stop caring... its just too much. But then I get mad and start fighting. Of course I realize how foolish I am being, I am not starving and my opportunities are by no means going to end if I don't get into medical school. I guess its hard to feel that a dream slowly being strangled to death by things outside my control.
Perhaps you have heard that women in labor go through what they call a transition phase. Its a time when they are just sure they cannot make it and cannot do it. Well, I think with this particular problem that is where I am. God has always come through for me in the past and I know it will work out... He's proven it over and over. But it doesn't stop me from being overwhelmed in this phase and at this time. Perhaps someday my halo will gleam as it sits at a rakish angle above my head and I will calmly look the prospective death of my dreams in the face and not be hurt or afraid but I'm not there yet. My halo sags unbecomingly about my ankles and its tarnished with the sweat of work and the mud of life.
3 comments:
First--you have a blog!!! Yay! I'll bug you more often....
Second, I read a bit of your surgery experience below and can only say, "I'm sorry." Glad you had beloveds near, but I wish I could have offered a hand or hug or just silence to say, "I'm with you."
Third, your halo is still quite tight, my dear. You're so beautifully real, which is all God asks. Authentic Heather is a good thing, whether that's in God's face or in His lap. May you find some rest and comfort in the latter as you find your way....
Love ya! J
Wow. That's unpleasant, Heather. I really hope it works out for you.
Joelle, thanks for the understanding and offer of comfort. It means a lot.
I look forward to following you on your blog as well! Its a fun way to learn more about the people I care about.
Post a Comment