In the Mirror

Until this week if you would have asked me what the hardest part of medical school was I would have said changing the parts of me that needed honing to succeed in medical school. It has ground me ruthlessly down via a relentless daily scouring until I shed the bad habits and unnecessary clutter that I've carried like suitcases for years.

I've learned I can't always be there for everyone, goodness knows I can't even be there for people I love many times. I've learned the world goes on anyway and the people I love and who love me do their best to understand.

I've learned to draw lines around myself emotionally and protect what little vital energy is flowing in my soul and not waste it on things that aren't important.

I've learned how much time I've wasted in my life and what's possible to accomplish in 30 minutes.

I've learned that I need help, desperately.

And in spite of what the American/Protestant way has woven into every fiber of my soul. I've learned that motivation and self-control should be regulated.

I've learned when motivation and self-control are given free reign they cause my heart to die and my body to become ill. That there is a point where you can have too much self-control and too much motivation. Imagine that.

I've learned, "They're the expert... Why not try it?" Isn't always the best sentence to live by. That experts don't know all of what is best for the individual.

I've learned that it is only healthy to change so much at one time.

I've learned that there are things that are my essence and I shouldn't change them or they break my soul.

I thought the list above was the sum of what I needed to learn...

Then I went for a climb, my first trad multi-pitch 480 ft climb, and my perspective changed; my heart beat again. I was ready to learn the real lesson.

Today I should be studying, and I will. But instead I've sat for awhile, looked out the window and cried. I had a long text with my mom. I ran across a Ted Talks that spoke to my heart...

http://www.ted.com/talks/brene_brown_listening_to_shame.html

And I realized the personal change hasn't been the hard part.

The hard part is trusting myself, accepting I am smart enough, wise enough and have what it takes to survive. Not just for medical school but the future that sits before me.

The hard part is being ok, that I failed a class and being ok with the shame of not being perfect. Facing the critic inside that will never be satisfied and with a smile saying, "I am satisfied".

The hard part is learning to look in the mirror and loving what looks back, even if I'm messed up.

The fight isn't medical school, the fight isn't changing habits, the fight is with myself.

Medical school isn't special. We all face the potential shame of failure or the shame of past failure. Almost all of us have to make the decision to start the fight again or give into the inner critic every single day.

It takes courage to get back on your horse and go into hand to hand combat.

And so I am trying again to be kinder to those around me, be gentle and encouraging. Less judgmental...

I'm trying to say more often, "Take heart, you're not alone. And no matter how many times you've fallen, I'm proud you have the courage to stand up, face the possible shame of failure and try again. I know what that feels like."

"It is not the critic who counts: not the man who points out how the strong man stumbles or where the doer of deeds could have done better. The credit belongs to the man who is actually in the arena, whose face is marred by dust and sweat and blood, who strives valiantly, who errs and comes up short again and again, because there is no effort without error or shortcoming, but who knows the great enthusiasms, the great devotions, who spends himself for a worthy cause; who, at the best, knows, in the end, the triumph of high achievement, and who, at the worst, if he fails, at least he fails while daring greatly, so that his place shall never be with those cold and timid souls who knew neither victory nor defeat."

The Real Reason I have Options

Options are good, they scratch and smooth my ego until I'm purring like a contented kitten knowing  that I'm loved at more than one school. I walked into this season of interviewing pretty sure I'd be a lucky girl to even get one school.

Now I have two excellent options, RVU in CO and VCOM in SC and I am wait listed everywhere else I've interviewed. That means it's a good possibility they will become options later. (not sure yet at UNC) To not be turned down anywhere is a shock, I am humbled that they all see something in me they like enough to keep me around. Everyone said it would turn out this way and I always hoped everyone was right and worked my rear off like I didn't have a chance in hades. Statistically I didn't.

I still have prospects of two more interviews, Ft Lauderdale, FL, and Vallejo, CA, so it is far, far from over, just in a little lull. Even then it won't be really over until May. It's a long time to sit in limbo. Limbo is a difficult place for me, since I like to wrestle life to the ground and then reduce it to a list of steps to success. But it is in limbo I learn the most about myself and my great lack of balance. It brings out the weaknesses of my character and parades them around like lumberjacks in a ballroom. Can't miss them! :)

The odds were wretched. My statistical chance at RVU was 4.8% around the same with VCOM. I knew this before I started working toward becoming a Dr and purposefully never thought about it again. Yet odds like that are inspiring. They force me to live on the sharp edge, to drag out every reserve in my soul to do battle. While I bet my whole future, I didn't gamble that much. I know that focusing on one day at a time more can be achieved by any of us then we ever imagined we could.

It wasn't me. I learned this graphically by watching a good friend work hard for a goal they deserved. A goal they likely would have achieved but were blocked in the final stages by someone who had the power to do so, it broke my heart. I still hate it when life is unfair.

It reminded me how blessed/fortunate I've been. There were many times I was blocked from going toward my goal by circumstances. Perhaps some of you remember I lost funding after my first year back at school and it was an influential Chemistry professor that believed in my potential, my dream, who got me into a program and back on track. I can think of many other amazing people (Bobbie, Shellie, etc etc) who saw some little spark of potential in my overly excited brain and either made my path easier or passed that enthusiasm on to someone else who had never met me and in that way, made it so I could move forward.

Thus I suppose this should end as a tribute to those who helped me, the hero's of my life. They include not just the people who have straightened my difficult trail with their influence but everyone who cheers with me and groans at my super nerdy posts, Charles, family (adopted family) and (amazing) friends. It is via each of you that I get the reserve of optimism that keeps me noticing the smallest wonders, a budding tree, an odd  patient, a silly caterpillar with sinusoidal legs. These things and each of you, keep me smiling and give me strength try again tomorrow.

There is some saying about it taking a village to raise a child. It is my experience that it takes one crazy village to make a doctor!

Thank you! If I had a glass of wine/sparkling peach juice (whatever your taste might be) I'd propose a toast and dedicate each success to you!

Might as well enjoy it, it's all about to get that much harder... and I can't wait...

The Greatest Summer

Remember all the things I was going to do this summer? It was a short list but had two things in it I'd never done and wanted to do, try to do photography professionally and publish one short story.  Perhaps you'd like to know how it's gone? I was so gung ho and shared it with you guys to hold me to it. 

I didn't. I didn't even start down that road. Instead I have two jobs, one redoing a website for the NCSU Biology department and another playing super girl who can do everything and replace anyone in the front office of a Dermatologist's office. Far cry from what I wanted isn't it?  Life happened as it often happens to us, fast. What I needed to do for the summer changed three weeks into it based on decisions that I did not control. It's a long story...

I have a friend, he likes to say that planning is like peeing into the ocean. He's right. Life is less about always achieving my goals and more about making them and then practicing holding them lightly, not grasping them so tightly that I go down with them when they're lost at sea. And as I watched those plans be swept away this summer I eventually smiled as they disappeared because there is always tomorrow. Tomorrow will be full of new plans, new goals and new challenges. The sea that I am continually challenging will flow around me and through me making me the a woman of greater insight, compassion and perspective.

 

Truthfully, I love the Biology job. My boss is a brilliant woman, a neuroscientist, and I enjoy chatting with her talking about big plans for the department and for the website. I'm directing the automation of the site to keep it's updating painless and later I will tweak its layout and give the pages better focus. It's something I'm very good at and it's nice to be the expert sometimes.

The dermatologist job is teaching me how a Dr's office is run. The daily grind of keeping one alive and well. This is an amazing opportunity if I should ever decide to run my own someday. 

Currently...

...I'm trying to write secondaries. Secondaries are the second application that all medical schools require you to fill out. Most have 3-5 essays they want you two write, no two the same. I have come down with a viral case of writer's block and each paragraph is a physical fight. I fish words from my brain like I fish broken bits of eggshells from my eggs in the morning. It each word is an elusive hunt often not meshing with the one before. It will get done... once I'm done writing this. 

...my father-in-law lays dying, his tubes disconnected, life flowing from his body. Life is short and it's not worth getting too spun up about.

After running around Lake Lynn this morning I stopped by the grocery store and heard this song. It reminded me of my plans this summer of all the plans I've made over the years and failed at completing, plans that I may never get to complete... It's all about perspective...

The Greatest 

by Kenny Rogers

...He makes no excuses, He shows no fears
He just closes his eyes and listens to the cheers

Little boy, he adjusts his hat
Picks up his ball, stares at his bat
Says I am the greatest the game is on the line
And he gives his all one last time

And the ball goes up like the moon so bright
Swings his bat with all his might
And the world's so still as still can be
And the baseball falls, and that's strike three

Now it's supper time and his mama calls
Little boy starts home with his bat and ball
Says I am the greatest that is a fact
But even I didn't know I could pitch like that.