Stories were told. I suspect every disaster has its own folklore that races through the battered towns. Little children rescued from coolers citing women with wings as their saviors, adults flung hundreds of feet only to stand and help their neighbor, five people found in a basement in this town, three people rescued from a basement in another. Each day, without the help of a TV or radio we heard more stories of hope. Each day they brought a smile to our faces.
Humanity needs hope. Most of the time these stories whether partially true, true or truly figments of someone's imagination stoke the embers of hope. They are like a sugar pill, they make tomorrow more bearable and if they are true, all the better.
One story was different. Every disaster or human tragedy has this story. The characters and places are different the message is the same. It is a story of brightly colored, candy coated poison.
A man of faith had been away from his home and when he returned the valley around his home, a place of drug dealers, was decimated. Houses were piles of rubble. His home, his pets, his cars were untouched. My friend's face was enraptured. The tornado had spun out at the bottom of his hill and couldn't make it up.
I smiled and nodded. My stomach cramped and my heart bled, grated raw by the lack of compassion in the story for the families in the valley. Families who most certainly suffered and will continue to suffer for their loss of life and homes.
In a few of my photos there were shots, specific ones that were a rebuttal to this innocent story that poured toxic into my heart from that day forward. Photos of the box labelled "Missions" that was flung from the place on the granite counter top where items were put in to donate, the counter top pulverized. Photos of an inner wall that has, "Every good and perfect gift comes from above." The rest of the house crushed like an egg. Ironic.
I wanted to grab my friend and beg for him to see, there are no favorites. There isn't always reason, not always an answer to impose upon this chaos. Everyone suffers together. We crave black and white yet are gifted with a insipid gray haze. In that dreaded pallid haze, is a place of grace. It is here that I found humanity grabbed hands, rough hewn and straight laced, broken and whole, deserving and undeserving and struggled to rise above the obliteration of their existence.
But in my abraded heart I still hemorrhage anguish for the callousness of the 'favored' who will never understand the gift of the haze.
Showing posts with label Philosophy. Show all posts
Showing posts with label Philosophy. Show all posts
Saturday, May 7, 2011
Sunday, August 8, 2010
The Greatest Summer
Remember all the things I was going to do this summer? It was a short list but had two things in it I'd never done and wanted to do, try to do photography professionally and publish one short story. Perhaps you'd like to know how it's gone? I was so gung ho and shared it with you guys to hold me to it.
I didn't. I didn't even start down that road. Instead I have two jobs, one redoing a website for the NCSU Biology department and another playing super girl who can do everything and replace anyone in the front office of a Dermatologist's office. Far cry from what I wanted isn't it? Life happened as it often happens to us, fast. What I needed to do for the summer changed three weeks into it based on decisions that I did not control. It's a long story...
I have a friend, he likes to say that planning is like peeing into the ocean. He's right. Life is less about always achieving my goals and more about making them and then practicing holding them lightly, not grasping them so tightly that I go down with them when they're lost at sea. And as I watched those plans be swept away this summer I eventually smiled as they disappeared because there is always tomorrow. Tomorrow will be full of new plans, new goals and new challenges. The sea that I am continually challenging will flow around me and through me making me the a woman of greater insight, compassion and perspective.
Truthfully, I love the Biology job. My boss is a brilliant woman, a neuroscientist, and I enjoy chatting with her talking about big plans for the department and for the website. I'm directing the automation of the site to keep it's updating painless and later I will tweak its layout and give the pages better focus. It's something I'm very good at and it's nice to be the expert sometimes.
The dermatologist job is teaching me how a Dr's office is run. The daily grind of keeping one alive and well. This is an amazing opportunity if I should ever decide to run my own someday.
The dermatologist job is teaching me how a Dr's office is run. The daily grind of keeping one alive and well. This is an amazing opportunity if I should ever decide to run my own someday.
Currently...
...I'm trying to write secondaries. Secondaries are the second application that all medical schools require you to fill out. Most have 3-5 essays they want you two write, no two the same. I have come down with a viral case of writer's block and each paragraph is a physical fight. I fish words from my brain like I fish broken bits of eggshells from my eggs in the morning. It each word is an elusive hunt often not meshing with the one before. It will get done... once I'm done writing this.
...I'm trying to write secondaries. Secondaries are the second application that all medical schools require you to fill out. Most have 3-5 essays they want you two write, no two the same. I have come down with a viral case of writer's block and each paragraph is a physical fight. I fish words from my brain like I fish broken bits of eggshells from my eggs in the morning. It each word is an elusive hunt often not meshing with the one before. It will get done... once I'm done writing this.
...my father-in-law lays dying, his tubes disconnected, life flowing from his body. Life is short and it's not worth getting too spun up about.
After running around Lake Lynn this morning I stopped by the grocery store and heard this song. It reminded me of my plans this summer of all the plans I've made over the years and failed at completing, plans that I may never get to complete... It's all about perspective...
The Greatest
by Kenny Rogers
...He makes no excuses, He shows no fears
He just closes his eyes and listens to the cheers
He just closes his eyes and listens to the cheers
Little boy, he adjusts his hat
Picks up his ball, stares at his bat
Says I am the greatest the game is on the line
And he gives his all one last time
Picks up his ball, stares at his bat
Says I am the greatest the game is on the line
And he gives his all one last time
And the ball goes up like the moon so bright
Swings his bat with all his might
And the world's so still as still can be
And the baseball falls, and that's strike three
Swings his bat with all his might
And the world's so still as still can be
And the baseball falls, and that's strike three
Now it's supper time and his mama calls
Little boy starts home with his bat and ball
Says I am the greatest that is a fact
But even I didn't know I could pitch like that.
Little boy starts home with his bat and ball
Says I am the greatest that is a fact
But even I didn't know I could pitch like that.
Thursday, May 13, 2010
The Business of Being Alive
My expectations are fairly low regarding the mountains of the east and Smokey Mountain National Park did little to raise them. It's still early in the high country, not many leaves or flowers and the pinnacle of a few thousand feet the views were brown. Not horrible, it's hard to imagine being out in the woods and it being horrible ever. Every place, like nearly every human, has something to appreciate. Something wise to bestow on the person who sits for a short minute of contemplation at its heart.
On down to Transylvania County. That's the place to go. Waterfalls that sent sound waves to beat your backbone, roar down gaps in sheer mossy cliffs. Forests that pulled in the mist like a breathy hint of lace and little towns with sweaty, bearded men driving trucks piled with rakes and shoves as well as alabaster skinned men in button down shirts, Italian leather and cars. I saw few women.
Little restaurants could be found, covered in ivy, surrounded by green ponds, lit by candle and owned by people who came looking to run away from the life they had built for themselves and never went back. Gregarious entrepreneurs with more life experience than most have in 100 years and a penchant for kissing the women that visit their place.
Antique shops with brand new merchandise shyly beckon from nearly every stomach lurching corner. I started to count and then gave up wondering how many people it took to keep these havens of commerce thriving in a place that looks like you leave on vacation and come back to find your shop entombed with vines, centipedes and trees.
Unlike the arid peaks of the west the rain forest of the east crawls and hums with six, eight or hundred legged life all going somewhere and eating something. On the way back from a warm shower with a tiny button in the wall that you pumped ferociously to get 3 minutes of pressure, I found a centipede with a fringe of tiny yellow legs. These legs moved in a sinusoidal pattern from back to front. All the legs bunched together in one spot as it tickled along the ground and this bunched up spot flowed up its body in a perfect sin wave pattern. Beautiful in a squirmy sort of way.
I found direction there. Purpose for the summer anyway. Another summer of no money. A summer of rice, beans, Ramen Noodles and dreams. But dreams to chase that I'll never get to chase for years if I don't do it now. Someday I need to get a real job. Something that will take my soul from 9-5 and give me a decent living in return, but it appears that won't be this summer. I have settled on trying to sell at least three of my stories and perhaps write more to send out.
Lower priority but still a priority is to put my name out to do portrait photography and see what comes to me. Why not? Like the Italian in the little ivy covered restaurant pointed out. You try and if you fail you get down, do two push ups and move on. I like that. It's true. I have to try. I may fail but I'll never know if I don't hurtle myself down mountainside taking the challenges as they came. I prefer landscape/nature photography but why not try, I have the skill and a good camera and I can always stop when I tire of it.
At the top of a mountain one can prepare, mitigate risk, visualize success and enjoy the view but life isn't lived at the top. It's lived either climbing up or hurtling down. If I try to stay at the top it loses it's ecstasy. The view is made sweeter by the sweat, the agony and the sensuous experience of being physically and mentally engaged in the business of being alive.
- To Shel...
 |
| Dry Falls |
On down to Transylvania County. That's the place to go. Waterfalls that sent sound waves to beat your backbone, roar down gaps in sheer mossy cliffs. Forests that pulled in the mist like a breathy hint of lace and little towns with sweaty, bearded men driving trucks piled with rakes and shoves as well as alabaster skinned men in button down shirts, Italian leather and cars. I saw few women.
 |
| Out the Window |
Little restaurants could be found, covered in ivy, surrounded by green ponds, lit by candle and owned by people who came looking to run away from the life they had built for themselves and never went back. Gregarious entrepreneurs with more life experience than most have in 100 years and a penchant for kissing the women that visit their place.
 | |
| Horacio's |
Antique shops with brand new merchandise shyly beckon from nearly every stomach lurching corner. I started to count and then gave up wondering how many people it took to keep these havens of commerce thriving in a place that looks like you leave on vacation and come back to find your shop entombed with vines, centipedes and trees.
Unlike the arid peaks of the west the rain forest of the east crawls and hums with six, eight or hundred legged life all going somewhere and eating something. On the way back from a warm shower with a tiny button in the wall that you pumped ferociously to get 3 minutes of pressure, I found a centipede with a fringe of tiny yellow legs. These legs moved in a sinusoidal pattern from back to front. All the legs bunched together in one spot as it tickled along the ground and this bunched up spot flowed up its body in a perfect sin wave pattern. Beautiful in a squirmy sort of way.
I found direction there. Purpose for the summer anyway. Another summer of no money. A summer of rice, beans, Ramen Noodles and dreams. But dreams to chase that I'll never get to chase for years if I don't do it now. Someday I need to get a real job. Something that will take my soul from 9-5 and give me a decent living in return, but it appears that won't be this summer. I have settled on trying to sell at least three of my stories and perhaps write more to send out.
Lower priority but still a priority is to put my name out to do portrait photography and see what comes to me. Why not? Like the Italian in the little ivy covered restaurant pointed out. You try and if you fail you get down, do two push ups and move on. I like that. It's true. I have to try. I may fail but I'll never know if I don't hurtle myself down mountainside taking the challenges as they came. I prefer landscape/nature photography but why not try, I have the skill and a good camera and I can always stop when I tire of it.
At the top of a mountain one can prepare, mitigate risk, visualize success and enjoy the view but life isn't lived at the top. It's lived either climbing up or hurtling down. If I try to stay at the top it loses it's ecstasy. The view is made sweeter by the sweat, the agony and the sensuous experience of being physically and mentally engaged in the business of being alive.
- To Shel...
Saturday, August 22, 2009
Changing Like the Wind
Muscles bulged, white knuckled fingers wrapped around the halyard and eyes squinted to see the top of the sail. Did the mainsail catch on the hook? Are we ready to go? The jib, pregnant with wind, pulled at us, our feet were braced in the water that tickled our knees. There was the hollow clang of the ring settling on the hook and we all began to look at the job in front of us. Batten down the snacks, jackets and shoes, sail and tuck the mainsheet in its cleats then bruise shins and stub toes while scrambling topside because sailboat 888 is not staying by the dock for very long.
Our eyes turn to the open lake, wind creating a map of it's directions and speeds around the lake. Out to the starboard side a it is like a crazed weaver created a cloth with random texture, some of the water nubby with wind and other parts smooth and soft like velvet where the breeze has lifted her skirts and floated past on lace pantaloons without touching down.
We were in a nubby section and the boat is sliding backwards toward immanent collision with the dock at a frightful speed. The mainsheet yanked forcefully from the stainless steel of cleats allows the mainsail to slide across the hull, we ducked our heads one right after another in a silly looking dance to miss the mainboom's skull crunching reach as it swings overhead. Turbo lifts his black fuzzy ears as it comes toward him and drops to the trampoline deck with an omph. Once it is settled in its new location it causes us to bear away, out of the wind's strength, and gives us more time to get all the tack arranged and ready for the warm breezes that are pushing across the lake.
After an appropriately democratic discussion on where best to tie down the mainsail we begin come about and the boat begins to heel. The three designated scramblers, Charles, Dad and I, scratch and tumble under the mainboom and onto the hull that is hovering above the water by several inches. We do not want to capsize, what a mess that would be, we don't even know how to sail let alone right an upside down boat. Thus we are off across the lake heading toward our current destination, the other side of the lake.
My hair pulls out of it's ever present black hair tie and finds a way to tickle my nose and slide into my mouth. My heel touches the water and it releases diamonds from its murky depths that land on my leg and slowly make their way back to the whole. Eric, at the helm, has the smile of the toothpaste model, his hand holds the tiller firmly. Dad and Charles lean out over the hovering hull, holding spider web guy wires, their eyes shut to the wind. Dad is dipping his backside toward the water to see how close he can get before it drags. Turbo the breeze pets him, ruffling his hair on his head, then his back and then lifting his tail for one last tweak, lays with his chin between his feet. His frosted eyebrows move up and down as he looks around at the liquid and shoreline birds sliding past. It is silent among us.
In front of us a velvety spot appears, much to large to avoid and immediately the wind stops. The heeling hull comes down to the water and Dad's posterior comes down into the water and he yelps. He and Charles laugh while splashing around to get out of the water and back topside. We're learning. So there we sit. Wind happening all around us, other sailboats speeding on toward the other side. We look over the edge and our faces stare back at us a perfect mirror in the middle of a lake wracked with wavelets. We pull out the paddles and begin to paddle toward the nearest nubby spot in the lake but we don't make fast time. Sometimes it works and sometimes we wait it out until the wind blows up on us again. It will, it always has, it may take awhile but it will come running by, pick up our languid sails and we will fly again. We may have to adjust our course, or our goal but we will sail again.
Our eyes turn to the open lake, wind creating a map of it's directions and speeds around the lake. Out to the starboard side a it is like a crazed weaver created a cloth with random texture, some of the water nubby with wind and other parts smooth and soft like velvet where the breeze has lifted her skirts and floated past on lace pantaloons without touching down.
We were in a nubby section and the boat is sliding backwards toward immanent collision with the dock at a frightful speed. The mainsheet yanked forcefully from the stainless steel of cleats allows the mainsail to slide across the hull, we ducked our heads one right after another in a silly looking dance to miss the mainboom's skull crunching reach as it swings overhead. Turbo lifts his black fuzzy ears as it comes toward him and drops to the trampoline deck with an omph. Once it is settled in its new location it causes us to bear away, out of the wind's strength, and gives us more time to get all the tack arranged and ready for the warm breezes that are pushing across the lake.
After an appropriately democratic discussion on where best to tie down the mainsail we begin come about and the boat begins to heel. The three designated scramblers, Charles, Dad and I, scratch and tumble under the mainboom and onto the hull that is hovering above the water by several inches. We do not want to capsize, what a mess that would be, we don't even know how to sail let alone right an upside down boat. Thus we are off across the lake heading toward our current destination, the other side of the lake.
My hair pulls out of it's ever present black hair tie and finds a way to tickle my nose and slide into my mouth. My heel touches the water and it releases diamonds from its murky depths that land on my leg and slowly make their way back to the whole. Eric, at the helm, has the smile of the toothpaste model, his hand holds the tiller firmly. Dad and Charles lean out over the hovering hull, holding spider web guy wires, their eyes shut to the wind. Dad is dipping his backside toward the water to see how close he can get before it drags. Turbo the breeze pets him, ruffling his hair on his head, then his back and then lifting his tail for one last tweak, lays with his chin between his feet. His frosted eyebrows move up and down as he looks around at the liquid and shoreline birds sliding past. It is silent among us.
In front of us a velvety spot appears, much to large to avoid and immediately the wind stops. The heeling hull comes down to the water and Dad's posterior comes down into the water and he yelps. He and Charles laugh while splashing around to get out of the water and back topside. We're learning. So there we sit. Wind happening all around us, other sailboats speeding on toward the other side. We look over the edge and our faces stare back at us a perfect mirror in the middle of a lake wracked with wavelets. We pull out the paddles and begin to paddle toward the nearest nubby spot in the lake but we don't make fast time. Sometimes it works and sometimes we wait it out until the wind blows up on us again. It will, it always has, it may take awhile but it will come running by, pick up our languid sails and we will fly again. We may have to adjust our course, or our goal but we will sail again.
Tuesday, May 6, 2008
No Clouds, all Sun and an Ice Cream Truck
Ever had one of those days that seems everything is brighter, tastier and happier than it has ever been? Don't you love emotions, 3 blogs back I was almost rocked to my core over some rough news, today the sky's the limit and its blooming flowers in my path - quite literally.
I am not generally dramatic. (couldn't guess could you?) Although the past year has held a good bit of drama and lessons for me. It seems I waited years for some change in my life...spiritual growth, noticeable emotional growth, some flash of clarity on what I wanted for my future. And it all happens *slam* in one year. These are my favorite years even though they are my toughest years.
Another such year that flavors my heart strongly is my year in Cambodia. Much harder than this year it was one to grow bitter on or grow stronger on. Thank God, after a few years of quiet contemplation He has turned into "miracle grow fertilizer" for my heart; scribing deeper the channels of spiritual understanding and human empathy. It is touching many decisions I make today is a tendril that curls down deep into that year.
Oh I digress...bother that was not my intent.
So the other day. YEY! I spent it studying sort of a normal day. But it was warm...70's the windows were open, birds sang their zippy little songs and Charles did his homework as well.
We had noticed an ice cream truck with tinny little speakers had wound its way through our apartment complex a week ago. Charles and I talked of our ice cream truck memories. He bought ice cream from such a truck when he was a child. He remembered pooling all his coins together in hopes to afford on of the pictured delicacies. I remembered reading about ice cream trucks and wanted to buy ice cream from one since I was small.
The familiar sound of "Mary had a Little Lamb" played on some circus synthesizer through cheap speakers came floating through our open window. WHOO HOOO! The ice cream man! I went digging through my purse but I had no cash, this is not a surprise I don't really carry cash like I should. Charles clucked and scolded me about not having cash and then dug around and found a $5. YEY!
Out to the truck to pick our ice cream from the pictures on the side. It was hard to decide and I was glad there were 5 small heads milling around the truck shouting out their orders, gave me more time to decide. Five cheering little heads raced past my waist and it was my turn.
The ice cream man's tired face pokes out his side window. He looks like he has dealt with thousands of fighting children before noon. I finally choose an ice cream sandwich and place my order, immediately I see three other things I might have liked too but ice cream sandwiches are tops so I am happy! Charles picks a drumstick and we trot off to our apartment with our prizes. WHOOOO HOOOO ! I want to shout I bought ice cream from an ice cream truck how COOL is that?!
Have you ever wished you could do something for years and then when you do it, it just isn't what you hoped? Well I am here to say that this was NOT one of those things. Nope, it was all I dreamed of and more.
Charles of course said the best was to come. We stashed our treasure in our freezer, ate lunch and then loitered around outside licking (yes, I lick my ice cream sandwich thank you very much...it lasts longer!) the heavenly goo off of our quickly melting purchases, our sticky fingers and sweetly dabbled noses...(ok that was just me, Charles is cleaner than I am). And for 30 minutes we were 8 years old, sitting on the sidewalk, laughing, not a care in the world, not a cloud in the sky, enjoying the best of life.
Thursday, May 1, 2008
The Good and the Waiting
In my first blog I spoke of telling the teacher I supplemental instruct for about my woes and to let me know if he heard of something that would help me out. He has done more than that. He called me to his office and in no uncertain terms said he believed I should be in the school and had found a path that might help me out. Then he told me he had spoken with the undergraduate dean of the chemistry department and the dean now wanted to speak with me.
Who was I to dally? I thanked him profusely and clicked my heals with joy (oh yes quite literally)! I was so excited to have any sort of hope.
The undergraduate dean saw me immediately and said that if Dr Gunnoe thought they needed me in the department then he would do it all he could to keep me in school and get me into the department. WOW! I about fell right on over in SHOCK! He was so kind and set out a plan for us to follow to try to make it work. "It" being that I would apply for admissions even though I was told admissions were over and he would make sure I was accepted into the Chemistry department as a Chemistry BA student.
How does that help? When I am accepted I can get governement loans and grants. He also suggested that he may be able to find a scholarship for me...WOW! If only...!
So I have submitted my application and it is waiting for one of my transcripts to make its way there via USPS. Then my application should wind its way slowly through the beauracracy of the school where it will land on the desk of my new supporter, the dean of the chemistry department.
I am also submitting my "long form" for in-state tuition. After looking at all my "evidence" for being eligible to get in-state tuition it seems it will take a miracle to get me (and Charles) that status. We spread out getting some of the neccesary things done to keep from getting credit card debt. That is a ding against us. We have a house in another state, and that is a ding against us.
Sadly, I have found out that Dr Gunnoe has accepted an offer from the University of Virginia so he will not be here next year. He is doing highly sought after research in the field of inorganic chemistry and is a wonderful chemist. I knew that he did research but to me he is a great teacher who kindly put himself on the line for my dream. Because he believes in me. What a humbling experience. If it all didn't work out I would have seen God's love in each of these people who took their time to help one student in a sea of students at that school.
So I patiently at times (thanks to the comfort of my Friend and friends) and not so patiently at times await the grand finalle of my latest adventure. This all so wonderful but even more wonderful has been my ability to concentrate on my finals and not worry because I have a Friend who always comes through with the strength I need when I need it. And it isn't over...I am still waiting and, for me, waiting is one of the hardest parts.
Who was I to dally? I thanked him profusely and clicked my heals with joy (oh yes quite literally)! I was so excited to have any sort of hope.
The undergraduate dean saw me immediately and said that if Dr Gunnoe thought they needed me in the department then he would do it all he could to keep me in school and get me into the department. WOW! I about fell right on over in SHOCK! He was so kind and set out a plan for us to follow to try to make it work. "It" being that I would apply for admissions even though I was told admissions were over and he would make sure I was accepted into the Chemistry department as a Chemistry BA student.
How does that help? When I am accepted I can get governement loans and grants. He also suggested that he may be able to find a scholarship for me...WOW! If only...!
So I have submitted my application and it is waiting for one of my transcripts to make its way there via USPS. Then my application should wind its way slowly through the beauracracy of the school where it will land on the desk of my new supporter, the dean of the chemistry department.
I am also submitting my "long form" for in-state tuition. After looking at all my "evidence" for being eligible to get in-state tuition it seems it will take a miracle to get me (and Charles) that status. We spread out getting some of the neccesary things done to keep from getting credit card debt. That is a ding against us. We have a house in another state, and that is a ding against us.
Sadly, I have found out that Dr Gunnoe has accepted an offer from the University of Virginia so he will not be here next year. He is doing highly sought after research in the field of inorganic chemistry and is a wonderful chemist. I knew that he did research but to me he is a great teacher who kindly put himself on the line for my dream. Because he believes in me. What a humbling experience. If it all didn't work out I would have seen God's love in each of these people who took their time to help one student in a sea of students at that school.
So I patiently at times (thanks to the comfort of my Friend and friends) and not so patiently at times await the grand finalle of my latest adventure. This all so wonderful but even more wonderful has been my ability to concentrate on my finals and not worry because I have a Friend who always comes through with the strength I need when I need it. And it isn't over...I am still waiting and, for me, waiting is one of the hardest parts.
Monday, April 28, 2008
My Experience of Why
I guess I will share my current understanding of why for my pain. We had a discussion group this Sabbath on the Dali Lama but it ended in a discussion of pain. It was odd one of the guy's asked the same questions I asked in my last blog. It was almost verbatim. Weird.
Charles and I talked about it on the way home. And after two years of mulling it over I have come to one reason why I need No in my life. But first I will share what other people said yesterday in our discussion group.
Just so you understand this discussion group is made up of people who go to our church but there is a good mix of SDA and non-SDA people there. Many of the non-SDA used to be SDA and have a lot of pain in their history; abuse from a "holier than thou" congregation that destroyed itself from the inside out. We meet in a friend's coffee shop.
One fellow suggested that the older he has gotten the more he has realized that he doesn't have to know all the reasons why. He doesn't have to have all answers like he used to. Another broke it with...the fact that he believes God is not only omnipotent, omnipresent etc etc but all wise and so he isn't always going to understand.
A girl on the couch popped in with the reason she finds for her own pain is that she doesn't seem to grow without it. God can't have us as little babies spoonfeeding us for the rest of our lives. Pain matures us and pushes us to get rid of tradition, to solidify our beliefs and to get to know God.
These answers are all a part of the why of pain but the maturing ability of pain/No's is what resonated more with me at this time of my life. I ask God to help me to get closer to Him and trust Him more. And the only way my heart seems to learn to trust Him more is to be put in situations where I cannot fix it and I must trust Him as a Friend to carry me through emotionally.
I am an independent sort of person and I have an obstinate "can-do" personality that often will motor on through tough times, using my brain to figure out a way to get through, to meet the goal. Not that this is a sin always...unless it gets in the way of my relationship to my Friend. And it does at times. When something like what happened this week happens to me my first thought is all the alternatives and I rush around trying to fix it. The whole time filled with frustration, angst and frayed nerves. It is only when He has pulled that very last rug (idea) out from underneath me do I give up.
Thankfully, it is coming quicker since I first started to learn to rest on His wisdom. When I have given up on hope from myself I often find my brain is clearer and ideas I hadn't consider pop in but sometimes I just have to wait and turn to Him each time that frustration shows back up.
So why pain and No's in my life. Currently I feel it is because I don't seem to learn to trust Him any other way. And I am finding that God seems to have an agenda. That agenda is to become a trusted best Friend of mine and my agenda is to be happy and unruffled. They collide! But I see that His agenda is for my better good; I have submitted my agenda to Him by asking Him to help me grow.
I am slowly coming to understand that He is there crying with me, willing to give me the strength to get through my disappointments and comfort me. But He doesn't rescue me because it is not for my best good. I find Him like Kim's description Like a Father Blog He is tangibly right there comforting me never leaving me alone. He may not say YES and but like my dear friend C said, "He will never leave me in a ditch alone."
Charles and I talked about it on the way home. And after two years of mulling it over I have come to one reason why I need No in my life. But first I will share what other people said yesterday in our discussion group.
Just so you understand this discussion group is made up of people who go to our church but there is a good mix of SDA and non-SDA people there. Many of the non-SDA used to be SDA and have a lot of pain in their history; abuse from a "holier than thou" congregation that destroyed itself from the inside out. We meet in a friend's coffee shop.
One fellow suggested that the older he has gotten the more he has realized that he doesn't have to know all the reasons why. He doesn't have to have all answers like he used to. Another broke it with...the fact that he believes God is not only omnipotent, omnipresent etc etc but all wise and so he isn't always going to understand.
A girl on the couch popped in with the reason she finds for her own pain is that she doesn't seem to grow without it. God can't have us as little babies spoonfeeding us for the rest of our lives. Pain matures us and pushes us to get rid of tradition, to solidify our beliefs and to get to know God.
These answers are all a part of the why of pain but the maturing ability of pain/No's is what resonated more with me at this time of my life. I ask God to help me to get closer to Him and trust Him more. And the only way my heart seems to learn to trust Him more is to be put in situations where I cannot fix it and I must trust Him as a Friend to carry me through emotionally.
I am an independent sort of person and I have an obstinate "can-do" personality that often will motor on through tough times, using my brain to figure out a way to get through, to meet the goal. Not that this is a sin always...unless it gets in the way of my relationship to my Friend. And it does at times. When something like what happened this week happens to me my first thought is all the alternatives and I rush around trying to fix it. The whole time filled with frustration, angst and frayed nerves. It is only when He has pulled that very last rug (idea) out from underneath me do I give up.
Thankfully, it is coming quicker since I first started to learn to rest on His wisdom. When I have given up on hope from myself I often find my brain is clearer and ideas I hadn't consider pop in but sometimes I just have to wait and turn to Him each time that frustration shows back up.
So why pain and No's in my life. Currently I feel it is because I don't seem to learn to trust Him any other way. And I am finding that God seems to have an agenda. That agenda is to become a trusted best Friend of mine and my agenda is to be happy and unruffled. They collide! But I see that His agenda is for my better good; I have submitted my agenda to Him by asking Him to help me grow.
I am slowly coming to understand that He is there crying with me, willing to give me the strength to get through my disappointments and comfort me. But He doesn't rescue me because it is not for my best good. I find Him like Kim's description Like a Father Blog He is tangibly right there comforting me never leaving me alone. He may not say YES and but like my dear friend C said, "He will never leave me in a ditch alone."
Saturday, April 26, 2008
When God says No!
So what are your thoughts on when God says No. No, I won't dramatically intervene so your life can be easier (ie my situation). No, I won't work a miracle so children are not raped or killed by their parents. No, I won't fix the crisis in Darfur and thousands of people die. No, I won't keep your mother/father/brother/sister from dying. Obviously to even begin to answer the question you must believe there is a God. Which I do and some of you do too.
In the Old Testament God says to the Children of Israel...you follow me and I will bless you, you will lack for nothing, lions will starve but you will eat. If we, as Christians, are modern "descendants" of Abraham does this apply to us?
Have you heard of the prosperity gospel? It is VERY popular right now. "Claim God's promises and they will be yours". I had a boss and co-workers who took this to heart. One who was dying of breast cancer went to a faith healer and believed she would be healed if she had enough faith. I mentioned to her adult daughter that there was some new stuff out that might help her mom. The daughter said to me, "we have faith she will be healed. We can't even think of that stuff."...it says if you have faith size of a mustard seed you can move a mountain. My boss's business was heading down hill because of the recession. He held prayer lunches and prayed around his office to bring in God's Spirit to prosper his business. Did it work?
Here are some Bible texts:
* (Deuteronomy 8:18) "But you shall remember the LORD your God, for it is He who is giving you power to make wealth, that He may confirm His covenant which He swore to your fathers, as it is this day" (New American Standard Bible)
* (Malachi 3:10) "'Bring the whole tithe into the storehouse, so that there may be food in My house, and test Me now in this,' says the LORD of hosts, 'if I will not open for you the windows of heaven and pour out for you a blessing until it overflows.'" (New American Standard Bible)
* (John 10:10) "The thief cometh not, but for to steal, and to kill, and to destroy: I am come that they might have life, and that they might have it more abundantly." (King James Version)
What about the prayer of Jabez?
The idea of the prosperity gospel was a little extreme for the my SDA palate but deep inside myself I found that I have held the same beliefs just tweaked for my own preference. Why aren't my problems fixed if I pray? This was exposed to me by how I reacted when God did say No to my prayers, desperate prayers that really needed a Yes. It may be something taught to us from childhood...you hear the story of the kid the prays and the car starts when it wouldn't before. You don't hear the story of my close friend who prayed when he was a kid and the car did not start.
This is something I have been thinking through for 2 years. Not because my life is dramatic but because of some honest questions from my honest hurt friends, because I am finding myself closer to Him and that requires some of these questions to be settled and because of the death of a friend.
In the Old Testament God says to the Children of Israel...you follow me and I will bless you, you will lack for nothing, lions will starve but you will eat. If we, as Christians, are modern "descendants" of Abraham does this apply to us?
Have you heard of the prosperity gospel? It is VERY popular right now. "Claim God's promises and they will be yours". I had a boss and co-workers who took this to heart. One who was dying of breast cancer went to a faith healer and believed she would be healed if she had enough faith. I mentioned to her adult daughter that there was some new stuff out that might help her mom. The daughter said to me, "we have faith she will be healed. We can't even think of that stuff."...it says if you have faith size of a mustard seed you can move a mountain. My boss's business was heading down hill because of the recession. He held prayer lunches and prayed around his office to bring in God's Spirit to prosper his business. Did it work?
Here are some Bible texts:
* (Deuteronomy 8:18) "But you shall remember the LORD your God, for it is He who is giving you power to make wealth, that He may confirm His covenant which He swore to your fathers, as it is this day" (New American Standard Bible)
* (Malachi 3:10) "'Bring the whole tithe into the storehouse, so that there may be food in My house, and test Me now in this,' says the LORD of hosts, 'if I will not open for you the windows of heaven and pour out for you a blessing until it overflows.'" (New American Standard Bible)
* (John 10:10) "The thief cometh not, but for to steal, and to kill, and to destroy: I am come that they might have life, and that they might have it more abundantly." (King James Version)
What about the prayer of Jabez?
The idea of the prosperity gospel was a little extreme for the my SDA palate but deep inside myself I found that I have held the same beliefs just tweaked for my own preference. Why aren't my problems fixed if I pray? This was exposed to me by how I reacted when God did say No to my prayers, desperate prayers that really needed a Yes. It may be something taught to us from childhood...you hear the story of the kid the prays and the car starts when it wouldn't before. You don't hear the story of my close friend who prayed when he was a kid and the car did not start.
This is something I have been thinking through for 2 years. Not because my life is dramatic but because of some honest questions from my honest hurt friends, because I am finding myself closer to Him and that requires some of these questions to be settled and because of the death of a friend.
Friday, April 25, 2008
Is this how a dream dies?
So this has been a week for the records. By the way, we haven't found a car to replace Blueberry so we are a one car family which is difficult when Charles' school is 12 miles N and mine 15 miles S and we are in school the same days. :) But there could be a good reason for not finding a car yet.
Sometime around Monday I applied for my loan for this semester. So far there have been no problems so I didn't think too much about it. I waited until we really needed the money to pay rent, bills and summer tuition before applying. Why not, there hadn't been any problems and it keeps us from being tempted to waste money.
Why not became apparent when they (being the application with instant decision) flatly refused to give me a loan for the summer. No one at the company could tell me why. My credit is still great...but they insisted it was probably my credit. I get a little impatient...I just checked my credit and it is excellent what is the deal? No one can seem to figure it out...just wait for the letter they say.
So I go to school and head to financial aid to see what they might say. "Sorry, so sorry, go apply to get into a degree program and then we can help you. With the housing market private loans are just tightening up." So I trudge around to registration and records and ask about applying. "Sorry, so sorry, the deadline for fall '08 registration has passed. You are too late." WHAT?!?!! The shock I am in keeps me from desintegrating right there in their office. I walk out with my eyes fixed into a distant stare. Is this for real? Is this how dreams die?
Yes, I can apply for Spring 2009 but what do I do until then? I have a class to attend my class I am a supplemental instructor for Chemistry 101. I wander in and hazily sit down. Near the end I decide to ask the professor I work with to keep his ears open for any jobs or anything that might help but he is mobbed with around 50 kids trying to get past tests. I wander away.
In the hall I call Mom. I know that this is my time to decide to trust God and to let it go, it is something I struggle with...trusting like a child and letting go. I want to but yet I don't. Mom and I talk. She is curious to see what God will do, what's the next thing He has in mind. I am not ready for that I am just upset. Also, I can ask Him to take it but underneath my body is clenched, I am one fried nerve away from meltdown.
From that point I am too busy to think. I have supplemental instruction, SI, to do for 1 hour and then I get a ride home with Charles. After SI a student needs extra help so I help him. We get home around 7pm.
After finishing my list of homework for the night, I write an email to my professor that I work with for SI asking him to keep his ears open for a job or anything, I read a little and fall into bed. I just can't deal with it. I can't change how I feel. I can't make myself trust. Sadly, I cry out to God...I just can't do it! I fall asleep.
The next morning I wake up. Oddly, this morning I find myself curious what is next. I haven't done anything but my attitude has changed. I humbly thank God for the change.
Wouldn't it be great if I just stayed changed, my attitude uplifted? Yes it would but that isn't how it goes. When I catch myself worrying, I turn to God and ask Him to take it again. Thankfully, from my experience He doesn't ask me to fix my weakness forever I have found He simply asks that at the moment I give it up to Him. This happens A LOT! I give up my stress, worry and frustration and 15 minutes, 1 minute, 15 seconds later its back again. Once again I give it up to my Friend and turn my attention to what I need to be doing.
Maybe someday I will be completely trusting and not struggle so hard. But for now I struggle not knowing the future and continually giving up my pride and control. Asking for His strength to accept what the future might hold.
Sometime around Monday I applied for my loan for this semester. So far there have been no problems so I didn't think too much about it. I waited until we really needed the money to pay rent, bills and summer tuition before applying. Why not, there hadn't been any problems and it keeps us from being tempted to waste money.
Why not became apparent when they (being the application with instant decision) flatly refused to give me a loan for the summer. No one at the company could tell me why. My credit is still great...but they insisted it was probably my credit. I get a little impatient...I just checked my credit and it is excellent what is the deal? No one can seem to figure it out...just wait for the letter they say.
So I go to school and head to financial aid to see what they might say. "Sorry, so sorry, go apply to get into a degree program and then we can help you. With the housing market private loans are just tightening up." So I trudge around to registration and records and ask about applying. "Sorry, so sorry, the deadline for fall '08 registration has passed. You are too late." WHAT?!?!! The shock I am in keeps me from desintegrating right there in their office. I walk out with my eyes fixed into a distant stare. Is this for real? Is this how dreams die?
Yes, I can apply for Spring 2009 but what do I do until then? I have a class to attend my class I am a supplemental instructor for Chemistry 101. I wander in and hazily sit down. Near the end I decide to ask the professor I work with to keep his ears open for any jobs or anything that might help but he is mobbed with around 50 kids trying to get past tests. I wander away.
In the hall I call Mom. I know that this is my time to decide to trust God and to let it go, it is something I struggle with...trusting like a child and letting go. I want to but yet I don't. Mom and I talk. She is curious to see what God will do, what's the next thing He has in mind. I am not ready for that I am just upset. Also, I can ask Him to take it but underneath my body is clenched, I am one fried nerve away from meltdown.
From that point I am too busy to think. I have supplemental instruction, SI, to do for 1 hour and then I get a ride home with Charles. After SI a student needs extra help so I help him. We get home around 7pm.
After finishing my list of homework for the night, I write an email to my professor that I work with for SI asking him to keep his ears open for a job or anything, I read a little and fall into bed. I just can't deal with it. I can't change how I feel. I can't make myself trust. Sadly, I cry out to God...I just can't do it! I fall asleep.
The next morning I wake up. Oddly, this morning I find myself curious what is next. I haven't done anything but my attitude has changed. I humbly thank God for the change.
Wouldn't it be great if I just stayed changed, my attitude uplifted? Yes it would but that isn't how it goes. When I catch myself worrying, I turn to God and ask Him to take it again. Thankfully, from my experience He doesn't ask me to fix my weakness forever I have found He simply asks that at the moment I give it up to Him. This happens A LOT! I give up my stress, worry and frustration and 15 minutes, 1 minute, 15 seconds later its back again. Once again I give it up to my Friend and turn my attention to what I need to be doing.
Maybe someday I will be completely trusting and not struggle so hard. But for now I struggle not knowing the future and continually giving up my pride and control. Asking for His strength to accept what the future might hold.
Saturday, November 3, 2007
SR-56 A Memory of Two Years
Hey I just thought I would write a little blog on a memory that happened two years ago this weekend. It was one of the worst Sabbath's of my life. It was two years ago today that we got the word that our friend Doug was had died in the mountains because of a car accident and hypothermia. It is one of those days that I move through in my memory as if the air was goo...a slow motion, painful dance of sharp colors, distorted sounds and sharp edges.
There was little time for denial just too many people needing our hands and our hearts. RA & Susan, Walter, and Mom...confusion with how to deal with this when you've never faced it before. Gut felt anger at phrases like "God has a reason" or "it was meant to be". It made me want to run away screaming with my ears covered...there is no reason and this was not meant to be. It made me want to turn around and pummel them all the while asking, "HOW can you say that?" What a cruel thing to say although said with all the best intentions in the world.
Snap shots of the fall colors, the crisp air, the phone calls, the heads bent in grief. People who part of them died the day Doug died. And a person who began their path to life that very same day(here's a link to his blog from this weekend also in memory of Doug our good friend Jared Walter Read his post if you want proof that God can change things). Who would have guessed that life would be begotten by death. A broken heart soothed, a hand of friendship taken...I don't believe God had a reason or that it was meant to be...No I do not believe that. But I DO believe that He will turn our pain into something good if we allow Him. I believe that God took the evil spirit of the day and turned our mourning (after a long while) into peace.
Today the Rutkowske's, Charles and I wore our shirts commemorating Doug. A lot of people at church and potluck asked and Terry shared a small part of the story and she shared one of the blessings of Doug's life; his joy of helping others through the local Search and Rescue. I cried in my heart many times today, my eyes brimmed with tears as did Terry's as she shared a little bit of her beloved brother's life with each person who cocked their head and asked, "What's with the shirts?"
Thank you, Doug, for teaching us the beauty of God's grace and the expansiveness of His love in the most unconventional of ways.
There was little time for denial just too many people needing our hands and our hearts. RA & Susan, Walter, and Mom...confusion with how to deal with this when you've never faced it before. Gut felt anger at phrases like "God has a reason" or "it was meant to be". It made me want to run away screaming with my ears covered...there is no reason and this was not meant to be. It made me want to turn around and pummel them all the while asking, "HOW can you say that?" What a cruel thing to say although said with all the best intentions in the world.
Snap shots of the fall colors, the crisp air, the phone calls, the heads bent in grief. People who part of them died the day Doug died. And a person who began their path to life that very same day(here's a link to his blog from this weekend also in memory of Doug our good friend Jared Walter Read his post if you want proof that God can change things). Who would have guessed that life would be begotten by death. A broken heart soothed, a hand of friendship taken...I don't believe God had a reason or that it was meant to be...No I do not believe that. But I DO believe that He will turn our pain into something good if we allow Him. I believe that God took the evil spirit of the day and turned our mourning (after a long while) into peace.
Today the Rutkowske's, Charles and I wore our shirts commemorating Doug. A lot of people at church and potluck asked and Terry shared a small part of the story and she shared one of the blessings of Doug's life; his joy of helping others through the local Search and Rescue. I cried in my heart many times today, my eyes brimmed with tears as did Terry's as she shared a little bit of her beloved brother's life with each person who cocked their head and asked, "What's with the shirts?"
Thank you, Doug, for teaching us the beauty of God's grace and the expansiveness of His love in the most unconventional of ways.
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