"Shitty First Drafts"

My first reading for my class "Writing Fiction" is titled "Shitty First Drafts". This threatens to be my most beloved and hated course. Beloved - probably I don't need to explain why...hated because I don't generally write creatively for a deadline. I write for the love of the freedom of letting the experience reign, letting my heart soar through my fingers when the inspiration strikes. But thanks to some of you here, an ex teacher and other friends I have been considering trying to get published in some form if oh so small. Hopefully this class will help me navigate the dark unknown waters of editing a short story/book.

Shitty first drafts...it explains my spiritual life as of late. How about over the whole summer. Why shitty first drafts? Because I am still in the first draft of this new experience of not "trying and working" but just being a friend of God. Shitty...for the week of great inspiration there is a month of distraction and wandering. I am finding that as soon as some great spiritual awaking happens...a new discovery, a break through for some reason I spiral feeling like a plane without wings.

Remember the great struggle not knowing if I would be in school this year? As soon as I found out it was ok I seemed to lose my drive, my connection to my source of energy and strength.

Today I read My Utmost for His Highest Aug 21 - "The Ministry of the Unnoticed" There I underlined this... "The preaching of today is apt to emphasize strength of will, beauty of character-the things that are easily noticed. The phrase we hear so often, Decide for Christ, is an emphasis on something our Lord never trusted. He never asks us to decide for Him, but to yield to Him."

That is the first thing and the only thing I lose in my spiral. The simple rest of yielding to Him then becomes the happy dance, of adding requirements and "good things" I can do to make it even BETTER, that is the death of relationship.

It feels so good at first. I have control, I can do it..I, I, I..I shift the power just ever so slightly from Him to me. Then the happy dance turns into a frenzied, angry, driven dance to keep ahead of the criticism that I have allowed to rule. It drives those around me into the same dance because I expect of them the same level of "goodness" I have set for myself.

By the time a month has passed I am tattered, looking for rest. That's when I look around expecting to find the criticism coming from Him and find His arms enfolding me craziness and all, His love and a chance to stop the crazy dance. To rest in His arms, to silence the criticism. Today I choose to rest, the first day in several months...

A Stranger's Thoughts

Last night Charles and I went to a (free) concert by a group called Craicdown. They played a cocktail of French, Scottish, Celtic, Italian traditional pieces with some of their own compositions mixed in for an extra jolt of flavor. They were an earthy and energetic group, so much so that when the guitarist lost two strings on his guitar, one was the G string, it led to a string of bad jokes that were, none-the-less, amusing.

It started outside in the square at Southern Village. Southern village is one of my favorite places to go. It is in flavor an artsy, yet ritzy, Colorado town. Prominently on the corner is Weaver Street Market, our local natural foods coop that we enjoy sharing our money with when we are able. Marching around the square are cute shops, high class wine bars and food joints with tables out front where you can enjoy the music from the square or the colorful people as they wander by in an endless parade. It is small like the tantalizing taste of gelato the pocket sized shop shares as you look at their dizzying array of temptations.

After one song the lightening began to strike and the rain sprinkled down. It was time to move to the comfort of the miniature book store that is next door neighbor to the gelato shop. It was a conspiracy between the bookstore and the gelato shop and many, cheerful to comply, wandered over tempted by the delights of the gelato store or picked up a favorite book to buy and read while the band played.

Charles and I, being shrewd did not give into the wiles of the bookstore or the gelato shop...(OK I admit, I DID look at all the books and dream but that is all). The music was fantastic and we lost ourselves in its folds as we nestled in the depths of our metal folding chairs.

The large windows displayed the lightening storm provided by nature and added to the warmth and cheerful ambiance of our gathering. It was very easy to loose oneself in the rhythm of the music and the wildness of the storm.

At 9pm it was over. The last guitar string had twanged free of its entrapment and we had all clapped and cheered heartily for the group. Charles and I stood to leave. Out of the group, dutifully switching places, like pieces in that annoying tile game, came a lady and her husband. She looked straight at me and what came out her mouth almost caused me to cup my ear to make sure I heard right and say, "What's that again?" "I so enjoyed watching you during the concert. You know, you have the most beautiful profile!" WHAT!!!?! Is this lady for real?

I have this horrid little bump on my nose that allowed the kids in grade school to call me big nose often and forever sprung me from the club of girls with cute little upturned noses. To say that made my day, is to be light. It made my year...perhaps it made my life. Of course people I know have consoled me about my nose. But to have a stranger come up and say they thought my profile was beautiful...I know she had not one drop of friend obligation. It was astounding.

And as I savor the joy that this little gift gave me. I realize that often I am too embarrassed to share my admiration of someone with them. Especially, if I don't know them. Perhaps they will call the cops and or worse think I am weird.

Or perhaps, it would make their day.

A Sr for the 3rd Time!

Well the news is in...I am a BA Chemistry Sr at NCSU!!! Yes, a Sr for the 3rd time in my life and this time I didn't even have to go through the normal 4 years to get there. *HAHA* Makes me feel so good I might go get yet a 3rd worthless degree. :D Ok not really I think 2 should suffice, it would be nice to get something useful one of these days. But the waiting is over. I was officially accepted and on Friday received my status.

Currently, I am back in school and doing physics 4 days a week. It is the second semester so I am learning about electricity, capacitors, capacitance, Gauss' Law...and well that is as far I as I have gotten. Riding the bus has worked out great. There are mostly professional people now that fuel is frightfully high. An Indian IT guy stands at the same stop every morning with me we talk about databases and computers while we wait for the bus. Its nice to have him there...so there aren't many scary people on there...well, ok there was one.

Last week some guy sat by me at the transfer station while I was reading and waiting for my bus to Raleigh. He was huffing and puffing since he just walked a good 20 feet over level pavement and wanted to sit down and have his cigerette. I said it was fine and I thought to myself being younger and more fit, I would move if it bothered me.

Just as luck would have it, on the way home that night he was there again and I chose to sit in the mid-back of the bus instead of front simply because the sun was shining warmly in on the seat and it looked inviting. He lumbered on by to the back of the bus and sort of oozed out over the seats. I guess he felt we were great buds now and started telling me all about his whole day in detail. He asked me to go for a drink. I said, "No thanks, I get to go home and see my husband." Then he said he would go home and relax and have a beer. Then he changed it and said he would have a joint and an orgasm. "Hack! Hork!" my brain was less then excited to hear that. I just tried to not give him the satisfaction of shocking me, looked as calm as I could and said, "oh, I guess that would do the job," and tried to look busy VERY BUSY! He didn't frighten me, his "aura" was more like a blow hard then a serious freak.

So that is my only creepy incident. I learned my lesson, now I sadly ignore the seductive, pretty little sunny spots in the mid-back of the bus and sit right up by the driver even if it is in the shadows. I haven't seen him since, maybe he went to work on that chicken farm he spoke of, who knows.

You know, I bought a ring to indicate my status as being married it seemed better since I am in contact with many strangers each day, not like at work where I know everyone and they know me. But I have had more guys outright interested now then I ever did. After contemplating why that could be I think it is me and not the ring. I felt the ring was security so I wasn't as timid around guys...and I believe that is the reason why.

Anyway, I have more to say but I want popcorn for dinner so I should get going and help make it. Also, the sky is a very strange yellow green and we are under a tornado watch. Generally, that isn't a good sign. :)

Ready or Not...

Our week off before summer classes started is just about at an end. Ready or not the craziness is about to begin again.

I received a letter from my school...oh man I was nervous when I read that it contained the answer to my in-state tuition request. If I didn't tell you the answer until the bottom of this blog you may begin to feel the nervous trepidation that lit up my hands with sweat and sent my head a whirling. They APPROVED it! I had submitted it to the school and on the way home I turned to Charles and said, "This will be a miracle if I get this." There were too many things out of order. We didn't license the car immediately, I didn't get my license immediately, we own a home in Colorado...it seemed the list went on and on with each on and on my prospects got dimmer. Everyone I told about my situation basically said..."good luck you have a snowball's chance in the 'theological place of eternal punishment'". Which added to my general sense of encouragement. :-) But it happened, thank God, and I now pay $650 for a class I would have payed $2700 last semester.

Charles is also classified as in state. The process was not as drawn out for him. In fact he went and wrote on a form that he lived here 12 months and that was that. HAHA! Some guy confessed to him that he also was out of state but lied on his form and said he was in state and they never checked. But I appreciate my favorite guy's honesty. Now a class that would have cost him $900 costs $126. WOW! That is great!

Let's see I am doing 2nd semester of physics & lab which involves magnetic fields, electricity and sound waves...oh yeh in 5 weeks. Charles is doing college math and chemistry and he is self paced so no set time for him.

It was our 6th anniversary this last week. YEY! We went to the Outer Banks for a couple days and one night.

The Ferry to Ocracoke Island




Our first campsite


Hatteras National Seashore






Lighthouses of the Outer Banks

Ocracoke Island


Hatteras


Bodie Island

We were going to camp for longer but our second camping spot turned out to be on some sand dunes with wind gusts of 50-60 miles per hour. Serious loofa action on any exposed skin. Hmm maybe I should start a spa there. People can stand naked in the dunes with wind blasting them with sand to get some de-wrinkle exfoliation. (Yikes!) We skipped the second night of camping and came home.



We love Ocracoke Island and we will go back to Ocracoke when we get a chance. It has a "cute as a kitten" little town that is mostly travel by bicycle or foot. A bunch of niftea resturants and shops, a history that includes Blackbeard the notorious pirate, wild island ponies, thousands of old shipwrecks, daring rescues, and sand and surf that doesn't have as many people because access is only by boat.

Oh yeh...I get to ride the public bus to school. We still haven't been able to find a replacement for Blueberry and at this point would have difficulty affording one. North Carolina State University has a deal where you can ride all public transit in the triangle area for free. So I have a chill 48 minute (minimal) ride to school every morning. It doesn't seem too bad and will save us fuel money, insurance and upkeep on a car. The bus stop is about a 10 minute walk from our apartment.

I am still waiting to hear if I am accepted to a BA in Chemistry which will help relieve the financial situation. Hopefully, I will hear in the next week. The undergraduate dean who was helping me out left on a month long motorcycle trip...he will be going through Durango and Moab! :-) But with the process not done it is a little scary to have him gone. My original benefactor Dr Gunnoe has put me in touch with a new person last week...but I haven't heard anything back from them. It's one of those things and God is giving me peace, quiet patience and focus.

Well I think I will go read one of the many books I have laying around or maybe finish a drawing. I don't have too many more hours of freedom.

No Clouds, all Sun and an Ice Cream Truck

Ever had one of those days that seems everything is brighter, tastier and happier than it has ever been? Don't you love emotions, 3 blogs back I was almost rocked to my core over some rough news, today the sky's the limit and its blooming flowers in my path - quite literally.

I am not generally dramatic. (couldn't guess could you?) Although the past year has held a good bit of drama and lessons for me. It seems I waited years for some change in my life...spiritual growth, noticeable emotional growth, some flash of clarity on what I wanted for my future. And it all happens *slam* in one year. These are my favorite years even though they are my toughest years.

Another such year that flavors my heart strongly is my year in Cambodia. Much harder than this year it was one to grow bitter on or grow stronger on. Thank God, after a few years of quiet contemplation He has turned into "miracle grow fertilizer" for my heart; scribing deeper the channels of spiritual understanding and human empathy. It is touching many decisions I make today is a tendril that curls down deep into that year.

Oh I digress...bother that was not my intent.

So the other day. YEY! I spent it studying sort of a normal day. But it was warm...70's the windows were open, birds sang their zippy little songs and Charles did his homework as well.

We had noticed an ice cream truck with tinny little speakers had wound its way through our apartment complex a week ago. Charles and I talked of our ice cream truck memories. He bought ice cream from such a truck when he was a child. He remembered pooling all his coins together in hopes to afford on of the pictured delicacies. I remembered reading about ice cream trucks and wanted to buy ice cream from one since I was small.



The familiar sound of "Mary had a Little Lamb" played on some circus synthesizer through cheap speakers came floating through our open window. WHOO HOOO! The ice cream man! I went digging through my purse but I had no cash, this is not a surprise I don't really carry cash like I should. Charles clucked and scolded me about not having cash and then dug around and found a $5. YEY!

Out to the truck to pick our ice cream from the pictures on the side. It was hard to decide and I was glad there were 5 small heads milling around the truck shouting out their orders, gave me more time to decide. Five cheering little heads raced past my waist and it was my turn.

The ice cream man's tired face pokes out his side window. He looks like he has dealt with thousands of fighting children before noon. I finally choose an ice cream sandwich and place my order, immediately I see three other things I might have liked too but ice cream sandwiches are tops so I am happy! Charles picks a drumstick and we trot off to our apartment with our prizes. WHOOOO HOOOO ! I want to shout I bought ice cream from an ice cream truck how COOL is that?!

Have you ever wished you could do something for years and then when you do it, it just isn't what you hoped? Well I am here to say that this was NOT one of those things. Nope, it was all I dreamed of and more.

Charles of course said the best was to come. We stashed our treasure in our freezer, ate lunch and then loitered around outside licking (yes, I lick my ice cream sandwich thank you very much...it lasts longer!) the heavenly goo off of our quickly melting purchases, our sticky fingers and sweetly dabbled noses...(ok that was just me, Charles is cleaner than I am). And for 30 minutes we were 8 years old, sitting on the sidewalk, laughing, not a care in the world, not a cloud in the sky, enjoying the best of life.

The Good and the Waiting

In my first blog I spoke of telling the teacher I supplemental instruct for about my woes and to let me know if he heard of something that would help me out. He has done more than that. He called me to his office and in no uncertain terms said he believed I should be in the school and had found a path that might help me out. Then he told me he had spoken with the undergraduate dean of the chemistry department and the dean now wanted to speak with me.

Who was I to dally? I thanked him profusely and clicked my heals with joy (oh yes quite literally)! I was so excited to have any sort of hope.

The undergraduate dean saw me immediately and said that if Dr Gunnoe thought they needed me in the department then he would do it all he could to keep me in school and get me into the department. WOW! I about fell right on over in SHOCK! He was so kind and set out a plan for us to follow to try to make it work. "It" being that I would apply for admissions even though I was told admissions were over and he would make sure I was accepted into the Chemistry department as a Chemistry BA student.

How does that help? When I am accepted I can get governement loans and grants. He also suggested that he may be able to find a scholarship for me...WOW! If only...!

So I have submitted my application and it is waiting for one of my transcripts to make its way there via USPS. Then my application should wind its way slowly through the beauracracy of the school where it will land on the desk of my new supporter, the dean of the chemistry department.

I am also submitting my "long form" for in-state tuition. After looking at all my "evidence" for being eligible to get in-state tuition it seems it will take a miracle to get me (and Charles) that status. We spread out getting some of the neccesary things done to keep from getting credit card debt. That is a ding against us. We have a house in another state, and that is a ding against us.

Sadly, I have found out that Dr Gunnoe has accepted an offer from the University of Virginia so he will not be here next year. He is doing highly sought after research in the field of inorganic chemistry and is a wonderful chemist. I knew that he did research but to me he is a great teacher who kindly put himself on the line for my dream. Because he believes in me. What a humbling experience. If it all didn't work out I would have seen God's love in each of these people who took their time to help one student in a sea of students at that school.

So I patiently at times (thanks to the comfort of my Friend and friends) and not so patiently at times await the grand finalle of my latest adventure. This all so wonderful but even more wonderful has been my ability to concentrate on my finals and not worry because I have a Friend who always comes through with the strength I need when I need it. And it isn't over...I am still waiting and, for me, waiting is one of the hardest parts.

My Experience of Why

I guess I will share my current understanding of why for my pain. We had a discussion group this Sabbath on the Dali Lama but it ended in a discussion of pain. It was odd one of the guy's asked the same questions I asked in my last blog. It was almost verbatim. Weird.

Charles and I talked about it on the way home. And after two years of mulling it over I have come to one reason why I need No in my life. But first I will share what other people said yesterday in our discussion group.

Just so you understand this discussion group is made up of people who go to our church but there is a good mix of SDA and non-SDA people there. Many of the non-SDA used to be SDA and have a lot of pain in their history; abuse from a "holier than thou" congregation that destroyed itself from the inside out. We meet in a friend's coffee shop.

One fellow suggested that the older he has gotten the more he has realized that he doesn't have to know all the reasons why. He doesn't have to have all answers like he used to. Another broke it with...the fact that he believes God is not only omnipotent, omnipresent etc etc but all wise and so he isn't always going to understand.

A girl on the couch popped in with the reason she finds for her own pain is that she doesn't seem to grow without it. God can't have us as little babies spoonfeeding us for the rest of our lives. Pain matures us and pushes us to get rid of tradition, to solidify our beliefs and to get to know God.

These answers are all a part of the why of pain but the maturing ability of pain/No's is what resonated more with me at this time of my life. I ask God to help me to get closer to Him and trust Him more. And the only way my heart seems to learn to trust Him more is to be put in situations where I cannot fix it and I must trust Him as a Friend to carry me through emotionally.

I am an independent sort of person and I have an obstinate "can-do" personality that often will motor on through tough times, using my brain to figure out a way to get through, to meet the goal. Not that this is a sin always...unless it gets in the way of my relationship to my Friend. And it does at times. When something like what happened this week happens to me my first thought is all the alternatives and I rush around trying to fix it. The whole time filled with frustration, angst and frayed nerves. It is only when He has pulled that very last rug (idea) out from underneath me do I give up.

Thankfully, it is coming quicker since I first started to learn to rest on His wisdom. When I have given up on hope from myself I often find my brain is clearer and ideas I hadn't consider pop in but sometimes I just have to wait and turn to Him each time that frustration shows back up.

So why pain and No's in my life. Currently I feel it is because I don't seem to learn to trust Him any other way. And I am finding that God seems to have an agenda. That agenda is to become a trusted best Friend of mine and my agenda is to be happy and unruffled. They collide! But I see that His agenda is for my better good; I have submitted my agenda to Him by asking Him to help me grow.

I am slowly coming to understand that He is there crying with me, willing to give me the strength to get through my disappointments and comfort me. But He doesn't rescue me because it is not for my best good. I find Him like Kim's description Like a Father Blog He is tangibly right there comforting me never leaving me alone. He may not say YES and but like my dear friend C said, "He will never leave me in a ditch alone."