In my first blog I spoke of telling the teacher I supplemental instruct for about my woes and to let me know if he heard of something that would help me out. He has done more than that. He called me to his office and in no uncertain terms said he believed I should be in the school and had found a path that might help me out. Then he told me he had spoken with the undergraduate dean of the chemistry department and the dean now wanted to speak with me.
Who was I to dally? I thanked him profusely and clicked my heals with joy (oh yes quite literally)! I was so excited to have any sort of hope.
The undergraduate dean saw me immediately and said that if Dr Gunnoe thought they needed me in the department then he would do it all he could to keep me in school and get me into the department. WOW! I about fell right on over in SHOCK! He was so kind and set out a plan for us to follow to try to make it work. "It" being that I would apply for admissions even though I was told admissions were over and he would make sure I was accepted into the Chemistry department as a Chemistry BA student.
How does that help? When I am accepted I can get governement loans and grants. He also suggested that he may be able to find a scholarship for me...WOW! If only...!
So I have submitted my application and it is waiting for one of my transcripts to make its way there via USPS. Then my application should wind its way slowly through the beauracracy of the school where it will land on the desk of my new supporter, the dean of the chemistry department.
I am also submitting my "long form" for in-state tuition. After looking at all my "evidence" for being eligible to get in-state tuition it seems it will take a miracle to get me (and Charles) that status. We spread out getting some of the neccesary things done to keep from getting credit card debt. That is a ding against us. We have a house in another state, and that is a ding against us.
Sadly, I have found out that Dr Gunnoe has accepted an offer from the University of Virginia so he will not be here next year. He is doing highly sought after research in the field of inorganic chemistry and is a wonderful chemist. I knew that he did research but to me he is a great teacher who kindly put himself on the line for my dream. Because he believes in me. What a humbling experience. If it all didn't work out I would have seen God's love in each of these people who took their time to help one student in a sea of students at that school.
So I patiently at times (thanks to the comfort of my Friend and friends) and not so patiently at times await the grand finalle of my latest adventure. This all so wonderful but even more wonderful has been my ability to concentrate on my finals and not worry because I have a Friend who always comes through with the strength I need when I need it. And it isn't over...I am still waiting and, for me, waiting is one of the hardest parts.
Showing posts with label Religion. Show all posts
Showing posts with label Religion. Show all posts
Thursday, May 1, 2008
Monday, April 28, 2008
My Experience of Why
I guess I will share my current understanding of why for my pain. We had a discussion group this Sabbath on the Dali Lama but it ended in a discussion of pain. It was odd one of the guy's asked the same questions I asked in my last blog. It was almost verbatim. Weird.
Charles and I talked about it on the way home. And after two years of mulling it over I have come to one reason why I need No in my life. But first I will share what other people said yesterday in our discussion group.
Just so you understand this discussion group is made up of people who go to our church but there is a good mix of SDA and non-SDA people there. Many of the non-SDA used to be SDA and have a lot of pain in their history; abuse from a "holier than thou" congregation that destroyed itself from the inside out. We meet in a friend's coffee shop.
One fellow suggested that the older he has gotten the more he has realized that he doesn't have to know all the reasons why. He doesn't have to have all answers like he used to. Another broke it with...the fact that he believes God is not only omnipotent, omnipresent etc etc but all wise and so he isn't always going to understand.
A girl on the couch popped in with the reason she finds for her own pain is that she doesn't seem to grow without it. God can't have us as little babies spoonfeeding us for the rest of our lives. Pain matures us and pushes us to get rid of tradition, to solidify our beliefs and to get to know God.
These answers are all a part of the why of pain but the maturing ability of pain/No's is what resonated more with me at this time of my life. I ask God to help me to get closer to Him and trust Him more. And the only way my heart seems to learn to trust Him more is to be put in situations where I cannot fix it and I must trust Him as a Friend to carry me through emotionally.
I am an independent sort of person and I have an obstinate "can-do" personality that often will motor on through tough times, using my brain to figure out a way to get through, to meet the goal. Not that this is a sin always...unless it gets in the way of my relationship to my Friend. And it does at times. When something like what happened this week happens to me my first thought is all the alternatives and I rush around trying to fix it. The whole time filled with frustration, angst and frayed nerves. It is only when He has pulled that very last rug (idea) out from underneath me do I give up.
Thankfully, it is coming quicker since I first started to learn to rest on His wisdom. When I have given up on hope from myself I often find my brain is clearer and ideas I hadn't consider pop in but sometimes I just have to wait and turn to Him each time that frustration shows back up.
So why pain and No's in my life. Currently I feel it is because I don't seem to learn to trust Him any other way. And I am finding that God seems to have an agenda. That agenda is to become a trusted best Friend of mine and my agenda is to be happy and unruffled. They collide! But I see that His agenda is for my better good; I have submitted my agenda to Him by asking Him to help me grow.
I am slowly coming to understand that He is there crying with me, willing to give me the strength to get through my disappointments and comfort me. But He doesn't rescue me because it is not for my best good. I find Him like Kim's description Like a Father Blog He is tangibly right there comforting me never leaving me alone. He may not say YES and but like my dear friend C said, "He will never leave me in a ditch alone."
Charles and I talked about it on the way home. And after two years of mulling it over I have come to one reason why I need No in my life. But first I will share what other people said yesterday in our discussion group.
Just so you understand this discussion group is made up of people who go to our church but there is a good mix of SDA and non-SDA people there. Many of the non-SDA used to be SDA and have a lot of pain in their history; abuse from a "holier than thou" congregation that destroyed itself from the inside out. We meet in a friend's coffee shop.
One fellow suggested that the older he has gotten the more he has realized that he doesn't have to know all the reasons why. He doesn't have to have all answers like he used to. Another broke it with...the fact that he believes God is not only omnipotent, omnipresent etc etc but all wise and so he isn't always going to understand.
A girl on the couch popped in with the reason she finds for her own pain is that she doesn't seem to grow without it. God can't have us as little babies spoonfeeding us for the rest of our lives. Pain matures us and pushes us to get rid of tradition, to solidify our beliefs and to get to know God.
These answers are all a part of the why of pain but the maturing ability of pain/No's is what resonated more with me at this time of my life. I ask God to help me to get closer to Him and trust Him more. And the only way my heart seems to learn to trust Him more is to be put in situations where I cannot fix it and I must trust Him as a Friend to carry me through emotionally.
I am an independent sort of person and I have an obstinate "can-do" personality that often will motor on through tough times, using my brain to figure out a way to get through, to meet the goal. Not that this is a sin always...unless it gets in the way of my relationship to my Friend. And it does at times. When something like what happened this week happens to me my first thought is all the alternatives and I rush around trying to fix it. The whole time filled with frustration, angst and frayed nerves. It is only when He has pulled that very last rug (idea) out from underneath me do I give up.
Thankfully, it is coming quicker since I first started to learn to rest on His wisdom. When I have given up on hope from myself I often find my brain is clearer and ideas I hadn't consider pop in but sometimes I just have to wait and turn to Him each time that frustration shows back up.
So why pain and No's in my life. Currently I feel it is because I don't seem to learn to trust Him any other way. And I am finding that God seems to have an agenda. That agenda is to become a trusted best Friend of mine and my agenda is to be happy and unruffled. They collide! But I see that His agenda is for my better good; I have submitted my agenda to Him by asking Him to help me grow.
I am slowly coming to understand that He is there crying with me, willing to give me the strength to get through my disappointments and comfort me. But He doesn't rescue me because it is not for my best good. I find Him like Kim's description Like a Father Blog He is tangibly right there comforting me never leaving me alone. He may not say YES and but like my dear friend C said, "He will never leave me in a ditch alone."
Saturday, April 26, 2008
When God says No!
So what are your thoughts on when God says No. No, I won't dramatically intervene so your life can be easier (ie my situation). No, I won't work a miracle so children are not raped or killed by their parents. No, I won't fix the crisis in Darfur and thousands of people die. No, I won't keep your mother/father/brother/sister from dying. Obviously to even begin to answer the question you must believe there is a God. Which I do and some of you do too.
In the Old Testament God says to the Children of Israel...you follow me and I will bless you, you will lack for nothing, lions will starve but you will eat. If we, as Christians, are modern "descendants" of Abraham does this apply to us?
Have you heard of the prosperity gospel? It is VERY popular right now. "Claim God's promises and they will be yours". I had a boss and co-workers who took this to heart. One who was dying of breast cancer went to a faith healer and believed she would be healed if she had enough faith. I mentioned to her adult daughter that there was some new stuff out that might help her mom. The daughter said to me, "we have faith she will be healed. We can't even think of that stuff."...it says if you have faith size of a mustard seed you can move a mountain. My boss's business was heading down hill because of the recession. He held prayer lunches and prayed around his office to bring in God's Spirit to prosper his business. Did it work?
Here are some Bible texts:
* (Deuteronomy 8:18) "But you shall remember the LORD your God, for it is He who is giving you power to make wealth, that He may confirm His covenant which He swore to your fathers, as it is this day" (New American Standard Bible)
* (Malachi 3:10) "'Bring the whole tithe into the storehouse, so that there may be food in My house, and test Me now in this,' says the LORD of hosts, 'if I will not open for you the windows of heaven and pour out for you a blessing until it overflows.'" (New American Standard Bible)
* (John 10:10) "The thief cometh not, but for to steal, and to kill, and to destroy: I am come that they might have life, and that they might have it more abundantly." (King James Version)
What about the prayer of Jabez?
The idea of the prosperity gospel was a little extreme for the my SDA palate but deep inside myself I found that I have held the same beliefs just tweaked for my own preference. Why aren't my problems fixed if I pray? This was exposed to me by how I reacted when God did say No to my prayers, desperate prayers that really needed a Yes. It may be something taught to us from childhood...you hear the story of the kid the prays and the car starts when it wouldn't before. You don't hear the story of my close friend who prayed when he was a kid and the car did not start.
This is something I have been thinking through for 2 years. Not because my life is dramatic but because of some honest questions from my honest hurt friends, because I am finding myself closer to Him and that requires some of these questions to be settled and because of the death of a friend.
In the Old Testament God says to the Children of Israel...you follow me and I will bless you, you will lack for nothing, lions will starve but you will eat. If we, as Christians, are modern "descendants" of Abraham does this apply to us?
Have you heard of the prosperity gospel? It is VERY popular right now. "Claim God's promises and they will be yours". I had a boss and co-workers who took this to heart. One who was dying of breast cancer went to a faith healer and believed she would be healed if she had enough faith. I mentioned to her adult daughter that there was some new stuff out that might help her mom. The daughter said to me, "we have faith she will be healed. We can't even think of that stuff."...it says if you have faith size of a mustard seed you can move a mountain. My boss's business was heading down hill because of the recession. He held prayer lunches and prayed around his office to bring in God's Spirit to prosper his business. Did it work?
Here are some Bible texts:
* (Deuteronomy 8:18) "But you shall remember the LORD your God, for it is He who is giving you power to make wealth, that He may confirm His covenant which He swore to your fathers, as it is this day" (New American Standard Bible)
* (Malachi 3:10) "'Bring the whole tithe into the storehouse, so that there may be food in My house, and test Me now in this,' says the LORD of hosts, 'if I will not open for you the windows of heaven and pour out for you a blessing until it overflows.'" (New American Standard Bible)
* (John 10:10) "The thief cometh not, but for to steal, and to kill, and to destroy: I am come that they might have life, and that they might have it more abundantly." (King James Version)
What about the prayer of Jabez?
The idea of the prosperity gospel was a little extreme for the my SDA palate but deep inside myself I found that I have held the same beliefs just tweaked for my own preference. Why aren't my problems fixed if I pray? This was exposed to me by how I reacted when God did say No to my prayers, desperate prayers that really needed a Yes. It may be something taught to us from childhood...you hear the story of the kid the prays and the car starts when it wouldn't before. You don't hear the story of my close friend who prayed when he was a kid and the car did not start.
This is something I have been thinking through for 2 years. Not because my life is dramatic but because of some honest questions from my honest hurt friends, because I am finding myself closer to Him and that requires some of these questions to be settled and because of the death of a friend.
Friday, April 25, 2008
Is this how a dream dies?
So this has been a week for the records. By the way, we haven't found a car to replace Blueberry so we are a one car family which is difficult when Charles' school is 12 miles N and mine 15 miles S and we are in school the same days. :) But there could be a good reason for not finding a car yet.
Sometime around Monday I applied for my loan for this semester. So far there have been no problems so I didn't think too much about it. I waited until we really needed the money to pay rent, bills and summer tuition before applying. Why not, there hadn't been any problems and it keeps us from being tempted to waste money.
Why not became apparent when they (being the application with instant decision) flatly refused to give me a loan for the summer. No one at the company could tell me why. My credit is still great...but they insisted it was probably my credit. I get a little impatient...I just checked my credit and it is excellent what is the deal? No one can seem to figure it out...just wait for the letter they say.
So I go to school and head to financial aid to see what they might say. "Sorry, so sorry, go apply to get into a degree program and then we can help you. With the housing market private loans are just tightening up." So I trudge around to registration and records and ask about applying. "Sorry, so sorry, the deadline for fall '08 registration has passed. You are too late." WHAT?!?!! The shock I am in keeps me from desintegrating right there in their office. I walk out with my eyes fixed into a distant stare. Is this for real? Is this how dreams die?
Yes, I can apply for Spring 2009 but what do I do until then? I have a class to attend my class I am a supplemental instructor for Chemistry 101. I wander in and hazily sit down. Near the end I decide to ask the professor I work with to keep his ears open for any jobs or anything that might help but he is mobbed with around 50 kids trying to get past tests. I wander away.
In the hall I call Mom. I know that this is my time to decide to trust God and to let it go, it is something I struggle with...trusting like a child and letting go. I want to but yet I don't. Mom and I talk. She is curious to see what God will do, what's the next thing He has in mind. I am not ready for that I am just upset. Also, I can ask Him to take it but underneath my body is clenched, I am one fried nerve away from meltdown.
From that point I am too busy to think. I have supplemental instruction, SI, to do for 1 hour and then I get a ride home with Charles. After SI a student needs extra help so I help him. We get home around 7pm.
After finishing my list of homework for the night, I write an email to my professor that I work with for SI asking him to keep his ears open for a job or anything, I read a little and fall into bed. I just can't deal with it. I can't change how I feel. I can't make myself trust. Sadly, I cry out to God...I just can't do it! I fall asleep.
The next morning I wake up. Oddly, this morning I find myself curious what is next. I haven't done anything but my attitude has changed. I humbly thank God for the change.
Wouldn't it be great if I just stayed changed, my attitude uplifted? Yes it would but that isn't how it goes. When I catch myself worrying, I turn to God and ask Him to take it again. Thankfully, from my experience He doesn't ask me to fix my weakness forever I have found He simply asks that at the moment I give it up to Him. This happens A LOT! I give up my stress, worry and frustration and 15 minutes, 1 minute, 15 seconds later its back again. Once again I give it up to my Friend and turn my attention to what I need to be doing.
Maybe someday I will be completely trusting and not struggle so hard. But for now I struggle not knowing the future and continually giving up my pride and control. Asking for His strength to accept what the future might hold.
Sometime around Monday I applied for my loan for this semester. So far there have been no problems so I didn't think too much about it. I waited until we really needed the money to pay rent, bills and summer tuition before applying. Why not, there hadn't been any problems and it keeps us from being tempted to waste money.
Why not became apparent when they (being the application with instant decision) flatly refused to give me a loan for the summer. No one at the company could tell me why. My credit is still great...but they insisted it was probably my credit. I get a little impatient...I just checked my credit and it is excellent what is the deal? No one can seem to figure it out...just wait for the letter they say.
So I go to school and head to financial aid to see what they might say. "Sorry, so sorry, go apply to get into a degree program and then we can help you. With the housing market private loans are just tightening up." So I trudge around to registration and records and ask about applying. "Sorry, so sorry, the deadline for fall '08 registration has passed. You are too late." WHAT?!?!! The shock I am in keeps me from desintegrating right there in their office. I walk out with my eyes fixed into a distant stare. Is this for real? Is this how dreams die?
Yes, I can apply for Spring 2009 but what do I do until then? I have a class to attend my class I am a supplemental instructor for Chemistry 101. I wander in and hazily sit down. Near the end I decide to ask the professor I work with to keep his ears open for any jobs or anything that might help but he is mobbed with around 50 kids trying to get past tests. I wander away.
In the hall I call Mom. I know that this is my time to decide to trust God and to let it go, it is something I struggle with...trusting like a child and letting go. I want to but yet I don't. Mom and I talk. She is curious to see what God will do, what's the next thing He has in mind. I am not ready for that I am just upset. Also, I can ask Him to take it but underneath my body is clenched, I am one fried nerve away from meltdown.
From that point I am too busy to think. I have supplemental instruction, SI, to do for 1 hour and then I get a ride home with Charles. After SI a student needs extra help so I help him. We get home around 7pm.
After finishing my list of homework for the night, I write an email to my professor that I work with for SI asking him to keep his ears open for a job or anything, I read a little and fall into bed. I just can't deal with it. I can't change how I feel. I can't make myself trust. Sadly, I cry out to God...I just can't do it! I fall asleep.
The next morning I wake up. Oddly, this morning I find myself curious what is next. I haven't done anything but my attitude has changed. I humbly thank God for the change.
Wouldn't it be great if I just stayed changed, my attitude uplifted? Yes it would but that isn't how it goes. When I catch myself worrying, I turn to God and ask Him to take it again. Thankfully, from my experience He doesn't ask me to fix my weakness forever I have found He simply asks that at the moment I give it up to Him. This happens A LOT! I give up my stress, worry and frustration and 15 minutes, 1 minute, 15 seconds later its back again. Once again I give it up to my Friend and turn my attention to what I need to be doing.
Maybe someday I will be completely trusting and not struggle so hard. But for now I struggle not knowing the future and continually giving up my pride and control. Asking for His strength to accept what the future might hold.
Saturday, November 3, 2007
SR-56 A Memory of Two Years
Hey I just thought I would write a little blog on a memory that happened two years ago this weekend. It was one of the worst Sabbath's of my life. It was two years ago today that we got the word that our friend Doug was had died in the mountains because of a car accident and hypothermia. It is one of those days that I move through in my memory as if the air was goo...a slow motion, painful dance of sharp colors, distorted sounds and sharp edges.
There was little time for denial just too many people needing our hands and our hearts. RA & Susan, Walter, and Mom...confusion with how to deal with this when you've never faced it before. Gut felt anger at phrases like "God has a reason" or "it was meant to be". It made me want to run away screaming with my ears covered...there is no reason and this was not meant to be. It made me want to turn around and pummel them all the while asking, "HOW can you say that?" What a cruel thing to say although said with all the best intentions in the world.
Snap shots of the fall colors, the crisp air, the phone calls, the heads bent in grief. People who part of them died the day Doug died. And a person who began their path to life that very same day(here's a link to his blog from this weekend also in memory of Doug our good friend Jared Walter Read his post if you want proof that God can change things). Who would have guessed that life would be begotten by death. A broken heart soothed, a hand of friendship taken...I don't believe God had a reason or that it was meant to be...No I do not believe that. But I DO believe that He will turn our pain into something good if we allow Him. I believe that God took the evil spirit of the day and turned our mourning (after a long while) into peace.
Today the Rutkowske's, Charles and I wore our shirts commemorating Doug. A lot of people at church and potluck asked and Terry shared a small part of the story and she shared one of the blessings of Doug's life; his joy of helping others through the local Search and Rescue. I cried in my heart many times today, my eyes brimmed with tears as did Terry's as she shared a little bit of her beloved brother's life with each person who cocked their head and asked, "What's with the shirts?"
Thank you, Doug, for teaching us the beauty of God's grace and the expansiveness of His love in the most unconventional of ways.
There was little time for denial just too many people needing our hands and our hearts. RA & Susan, Walter, and Mom...confusion with how to deal with this when you've never faced it before. Gut felt anger at phrases like "God has a reason" or "it was meant to be". It made me want to run away screaming with my ears covered...there is no reason and this was not meant to be. It made me want to turn around and pummel them all the while asking, "HOW can you say that?" What a cruel thing to say although said with all the best intentions in the world.
Snap shots of the fall colors, the crisp air, the phone calls, the heads bent in grief. People who part of them died the day Doug died. And a person who began their path to life that very same day(here's a link to his blog from this weekend also in memory of Doug our good friend Jared Walter Read his post if you want proof that God can change things). Who would have guessed that life would be begotten by death. A broken heart soothed, a hand of friendship taken...I don't believe God had a reason or that it was meant to be...No I do not believe that. But I DO believe that He will turn our pain into something good if we allow Him. I believe that God took the evil spirit of the day and turned our mourning (after a long while) into peace.
Today the Rutkowske's, Charles and I wore our shirts commemorating Doug. A lot of people at church and potluck asked and Terry shared a small part of the story and she shared one of the blessings of Doug's life; his joy of helping others through the local Search and Rescue. I cried in my heart many times today, my eyes brimmed with tears as did Terry's as she shared a little bit of her beloved brother's life with each person who cocked their head and asked, "What's with the shirts?"
Thank you, Doug, for teaching us the beauty of God's grace and the expansiveness of His love in the most unconventional of ways.
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